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WeLuvIbiza
Active Member
I walked into a hotel today. A bloke said "Are you here for the Twitter convention?" I said "Yes." He said "Follow me."
hahaha
Alzheimer's Test
If you are over 65 yrs old you MUST take this test
Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert!!
If you are over 65 yrs old you MUST take this test
Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert!!
After being made redundant, I decided to retrain and have been learning to be an LGV driver.
Although I tried really hard, I just wasn't getting the hang of things.
The guy who was showing me the ropes started to get a bit annoyed. "you do it like this", he said.
"First of of all you have to stick your key in the ignition and wiggle it about a bit until you get her started. This ones a foreign model, and getting on a bit so it might take a while to get her warmed up. She might make a few a few strange noises and protest some, but don't worry, it's just because of her age."
"Ok." he continued, "Now you've got her going it's simple. Throttle, more throttle, clutch. Hold it there, NOW more throttle, clutch, clutch, throttle, throttle, throttle."
"Ok. I think I've got the hang of it now and it's not that hard when you know how do do it properly" I exclaimed.
"Of course it's not" he replied "Now wrap the slag in that roll of carpet and dump her in a lay-by somewhere"
Although I tried really hard, I just wasn't getting the hang of things.
The guy who was showing me the ropes started to get a bit annoyed. "you do it like this", he said.
"First of of all you have to stick your key in the ignition and wiggle it about a bit until you get her started. This ones a foreign model, and getting on a bit so it might take a while to get her warmed up. She might make a few a few strange noises and protest some, but don't worry, it's just because of her age."
"Ok." he continued, "Now you've got her going it's simple. Throttle, more throttle, clutch. Hold it there, NOW more throttle, clutch, clutch, throttle, throttle, throttle."
"Ok. I think I've got the hang of it now and it's not that hard when you know how do do it properly" I exclaimed.
"Of course it's not" he replied "Now wrap the slag in that roll of carpet and dump her in a lay-by somewhere"
Since she got pregnant, my girlfriend has become increasingly worried about the threat of peadophillia in our area.
I tried to convice her that she was worrying about nothing.
I must admit that she put up some pretty convincing arguments against this, and that our baby might be at risk.
You can't really an take 11 year old that seriously though can you.
I tried to convice her that she was worrying about nothing.
I must admit that she put up some pretty convincing arguments against this, and that our baby might be at risk.
You can't really an take 11 year old that seriously though can you.
I think I may have ruined the friendship with my best mate since infants school, recently.
I'd read about this kind of thing in Dear Dierdre in the Sun but didn't really think these things happened.
Over time I found I had started to grow feelings for his mother.
Imagine my horror when he walked in and found me having mad passionate sex with her.
He's has refused to speak to me since.
To be fair, her funeral probably wasn't the best place to do this and did ruin the atmosphere a bit.
I'd read about this kind of thing in Dear Dierdre in the Sun but didn't really think these things happened.
Over time I found I had started to grow feelings for his mother.
Imagine my horror when he walked in and found me having mad passionate sex with her.
He's has refused to speak to me since.
To be fair, her funeral probably wasn't the best place to do this and did ruin the atmosphere a bit.
A young fellow from Kansas moves to California and goes to a big
'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Kansas ."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down...
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How
much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a new bass boat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I
asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5
or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in
camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Kansas ."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down...
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How
much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a new bass boat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I
asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5
or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in
camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
I've moderated those ones mate (they're not that offensive, are they? ) - and to draw attention away from any posts which people might be offended by, I'm opening a new 'Book Club' thread.
kimajy
Well-Known Member
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked & was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I've a headache!†“Perfect,†her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.
Living in the London, I got talking to my next door neighbour over the fence recently. Somehow we got onto the subject of films.
He asked me which film star he reminded me of most.
I thought for a while and then told him that on balance, it was probably Danny Dyer.
"Why's that he asked? Is it because I'm a bit of a ladies man, good looking, pretty hard and a bit of loveable Cockney rogue?"
"Not exactly" I replied. "It's beacuse your a complete cnut"
He asked me which film star he reminded me of most.
I thought for a while and then told him that on balance, it was probably Danny Dyer.
"Why's that he asked? Is it because I'm a bit of a ladies man, good looking, pretty hard and a bit of loveable Cockney rogue?"
"Not exactly" I replied. "It's beacuse your a complete cnut"