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Michael reads sign in neighbours Yard "Boat for Sale"

Fancying himself as a sailor Michael goes to enquire. He has a look around the yard and all that he can see is a Tractor and a Donkey.

Paddy the proprietor of the yard approaches. "What can I do for ye for sir"

Michael asks "I was interested in your sign that says Boat for Sale but I all I can see is a tractor and a Donkey"


"Yes" replies Paddy "the Tractor and the Donkey...........they are boat for sale".
 
Boy : Do you want to play the fire engine game ?

Girl : How do you play that ?

Boy : My fingers are the fire engine and when I drive up your legs and thighs you say 'red light' when you want me to stop !!

Girl : Ok lets play !!

After a few seconds......

Girl : Red Light !!

Boy : Fire engines don't stop for red lights !!

:lol:
 
The Forgotten Anniversary

Plonker was in big trouble with his wife as he'd forgotton it was their wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid thus she told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE:evil:!!"
The next morning Plonker got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. When she opened it to her horror she found a brand new bathroom scale.



Poor old Plonker has been missing since last Monday.
​
 
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I went for a haircut in Newcastle the other day...

"Would ye like enathin in porticulah?" asked the woman.

Feeling brave, I said

"I'd like it curled please"


So she stuck my head in the freezer....
 
Diplomacy at its best

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident..

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.":lol:​
 
Gerry Rafferty is going to be buried next to...
...Ronald MacDonald and Heath Ledger

Clown to the left of me, joker to the right....​
 
Ride em cowboy

The Rodeo Position!

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds."
 
I was sitting on a train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird...

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection! Please don't get an erection!"










But she did! :eek:/
 
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the ****ing pots!"
 
Too much time on my hands

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
 
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
 
A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes...
A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes leaning on his shoulders with dewy looks in their eyes, and a dwarf who's only two feet tall. He orders drinks for himself and his companions, paying from a fat roll of twenty-dollar bills. The dwarf jumps up on the bar, and runs up and down the whole length of the bar kicking over everybody's drinks. The bartender and the other patrons are rather perturbed by this, but the guy says, "Never mind, I'll buy a fresh round of drinks for everybody," pulling out more twenties.
As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again, the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody's drinks again. The bartender says, "That's it: you and your friends, out!"

The guy says, "Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I'll control the dwarf this time, and I'll pay for it, and here's an extra twenty for your trouble."

The bartender says, "OK, but I don't understand why you put up with him."

The guy says, "It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp, and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So finally I asked for a two-foot *****: POOF, there he was."
 
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............







She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
 
djjaycool said:
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............







She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
Click to expand...

:):):)

A recent Walt Disney survey found out that 6 out of 7 dwarfs were not happy
 
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