Oh dear probably not one of my better ones but i was still getting over the shock of watching my team Leeds United throw away a 3 goal lead by losing 6 - 4 at home to Preston NE
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Oh dear probably not one of my better ones but i was still getting over the shock of watching my team Leeds United throw away a 3 goal lead by losing 6 - 4 at home to Preston NE
Oh dear probably not one of my better ones but i was still getting over the shock of watching my team Leeds United throw away a 3 goal lead by losing 6 - 4 at home to Preston NE
Here's where you laugh.
Fridays are Tough
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Satan: "You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays for we get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Satan: "You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays for we get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
madwhitegiant
New Member
My mate quit his job today at the helium factory.
Said he wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Said he wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
weloveliam@space
Active Member
Fcuk ! I just ran over a little girl, looked in my wing mirror and saw her frail blooded body sprawled across the tarmac motionless.
Then I looked back at the dashboard and noticed I was only doing 30, chances are she'll be fine.
Then I looked back at the dashboard and noticed I was only doing 30, chances are she'll be fine.
weloveliam@space
Active Member
A man goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The Librarian says ; "Fcuk off, you wont bring it back."
The Librarian says ; "Fcuk off, you wont bring it back."
Lady's Bathroom Buttons
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's toilets, but found it to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies toilet was far more than just a toilet, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew afterwards he was in a hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies toilet was far more than just a toilet, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew afterwards he was in a hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
tristanbaldock
Active Member
I went on holiday the other week, was a bit upset to find my hotel was directly opposite an abattoir. The view was offal, just offal
(Seeing as we're doing sh!t jokes)
(Seeing as we're doing sh!t jokes)
The Professional Gambler
A guy who walked into a bar one day went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but i'd like to see your money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and laid them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you £50 that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his £50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another £50 that I can bite my left eye," said the guy.
The bartender thought about it again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, i mean i watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the £50" said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the best part of the evening playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he crawled up to the bar drunk as a skunk & said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you £500 that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet let alone one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender & himself but not one aim made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, he said, "Hey pal, you owe me £500"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay because i just bet each of the guys in the card room £1000 that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but i'd like to see your money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and laid them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you £50 that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his £50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another £50 that I can bite my left eye," said the guy.
The bartender thought about it again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, i mean i watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the £50" said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the best part of the evening playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he crawled up to the bar drunk as a skunk & said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you £500 that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet let alone one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender & himself but not one aim made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, he said, "Hey pal, you owe me £500"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay because i just bet each of the guys in the card room £1000 that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Hard of hearing
Skinny little white Englishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Englishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Englishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Englishman says:
'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
The big guy sees the little Englishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Englishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Englishman says:
'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
weloveliam@space
Active Member
My girlfriend is a dirty little minx. When i cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it, then let it dribble out of her mouth and down her chin and onto her breasts.
She may be paralysed but deep down I know she enjoys it.
She may be paralysed but deep down I know she enjoys it.
tristanbaldock
Active Member
My favourite Sickipedia joke of the day too!
weloveliam@space
Active Member
Shhhh dont tell em, let them think its my own
When im feeling a bit blue I just go onto Sickipedia and it cheers me right up.
tristanbaldock
Active Member
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van
droll