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Police brutality

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th Drink Driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for armed backup.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bast*rd told you I was speeding, too:lol:
 
The man with the Italian mistress

The old ones are the best, am I talking men, mistresses or jokes...you decide

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce:cry::lol:​
 
16M to cover the costs of security during the pope's visit


still, at least the kids will be safe
 
Nothing to Declare




A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead Father. Next!":)​
 
Dave 1 said:



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead Father. Next!":)​
Click to expand...
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
What do a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common.....

Both have a white collar

and if you get a bad one, it will rip the ass out of you
 
Bez said:
What do a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common.....

Both have a white collar

and if you get a bad one, it will rip the ass out of you
Click to expand...

Nice one Bez! Joking about priests raping young boys is perhaps THE most distasteful joke matter to use..
 
MrMambo said:
Nice one Bez! Joking about priests raping young boys is perhaps THE most distasteful joke matter to use..
Click to expand...


Relax.......... its a play on words. You have taken it the wrong way (a bit like the Fishsticks joke)
 
MrMambo said:
Nice one Bez! Joking about priests raping young boys is perhaps THE most distasteful joke matter to use..
Click to expand...

like totally

60254_474270800350_571935350_7088939_3622301_n.jpg
 
Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." :lol:




Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.;):lol:
​
 
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