Old Jokes Home

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
 
"What a coincidence"

A chicken farmer went to a bar...sat next to a woman and asked for a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and say's "how about that?
I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer say's "this is a special day for me, i'm celebrating".
"This is a special day for me, too, i'm also celebrating" say's the woman
"What a coincidence" say's the farmer
As they clinked glasses the farmer ask's "what are you celebrating?"
The woman replies "My husband and i have been trying for a long time to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that i'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence say's" the farmer "For i'm a chicken farmer and for year's my chicken's have been infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great news" replies the woman, "How did your chicken's eventually become fertile?"
"I used a dfferent cock" he replied.

The woman smiled and replied "What a coincidence"....:lol:

 
It's hell being old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.':lol:​
 
Female Humour at men's expense



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Manchester United. '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'That I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'​
 
Dave The Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.
'St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...



'Dave, wake up, you drunken b******. You've sh*t the bed !!:oops:​
 
New Zealander in Oz

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate
suckness eh" "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!":lol:



​
 
Dave 1 said:
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate
suckness eh" "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!":lol:



​
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Literally :lol:

I'm having that one!
 
My first experience using a Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, i was 16 or so. I went to buy the packet from my local chemist. Their was this beautifull female assistant behind the counter and she could see i was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if i knew how too wear one. I answered honestly "No". So she unwrapped the package took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. "Just a minute" she said and walked over to the entrance door and securely locked it. Taking my hand she led me into the back room and started unbuttoning her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well i was so dumb struck that all i could do was nod my head. She then said it was time i slipped the condom on. As i was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well come on" she said "We don't have much time.." So i climbed ontop of her and it felt so wonderful, that unfortunately i could no longer hold back when KAPOW, i was done with-in a few seconds. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the **** out of me:lol::lol:



NB: Women can fake Orgasm but Men can fake an entire relationships:)
 
Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his players. Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort.
 
Brown resigns

After Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided as a gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.

A civil servant was despatched from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum (NRM) in York, to investigate the possibilities.

"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," an NRM consultant told the civil servant, "But they're mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, not very fitting for a former prime minister, How about that big green one, over there?" the official said, pointing to no.4472.

"That´s already got a name" said the consultant. "It´s called `Flying Scotsman´."

"Oh, couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it could be considered," said the NRM consultant. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"Settled then. Let´s look at renaming 4472. We can´t spend too much though, given the recession."

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the `F´"​
 
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like ****!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."
 
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
 
Story about Allsorts




Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. 'Polo, i'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!:)​
 
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