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Jam Man said:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

"How does that feel?"









"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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8):lol::lol:
 
What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"?


One is a Superhero, the other is a simple request.
 
I went to the doctor about my hearing problem.

Can you describe the symptons?", he asked.

"Yeah,Homer is a fat lazy yellow guy and Marge is a skinny bird with tall blue hair" I said.
 
I got a gig at the old folks home as a stand up comedian.


Bless 'em, they don't get the jokes....

but they still piss themselves!
 
Felt like eating healthily recently so I bought some rocket salad.

Just my luck, it went off before I could eat it.
 
Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a lady boy.

Looked like a lady
Walked like a lady
Talked like a lady!


It was only when "she" drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time that I thought "hang on a minute....."
 
Jam Man said:
Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a lady boy.

Looked like a lady
Walked like a lady
Talked like a lady!


It was only when "she" drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time that I thought "hang on a minute....."
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:lol:
 
Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"
 
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather pissed off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,










"I'm an ex-tractor fan"
 
I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said ''I know that accent, you two ladies are from Scotland aren't you?''
''Wales, you bloody idiot'', one of them replied.
''Oh sorry'', I said. ''You two whales are from Scotland aren't you?''
 
Jam Man said:
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather pissed off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,










"I'm an ex-tractor fan"
Click to expand...
boo hiss;)
 
Eamonn Holmes went to the doctor and asked "whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?"

"Shake your head from side to side" he replied.

"How often should I do this?" he asked.

The doctor said "Every time you're offered food you fat fcuker".
 
Jam Man said:
Eamonn Holmes went to the doctor and asked "whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?"

"Shake your head from side to side" he replied.

"How often should I do this?" he asked.

The doctor said "Every time you're offered food you fat fcuker".
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
You redeemed yourself Jam
 
At the pub with my wife last night and she just kept going on and on about different walks she had done, Pennine Way, Southwest Coastal Path etc.

I butted in "Ignore her, she does tend to ramble"
 
My friend has admitted to having had an addiction to the Hokey Cokey.....



...but he's now turned himself around, and that's what it's all about.
 
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