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My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh." I replied "so you want me to feckin stay now!"
 
I'll never forget that day many years ago, when I ran through the doors shouting "It's a boy, it's a boy!!!"













That was the last time I visited a Thai Brothel.
 
I asked my boss what I should do with the 6ft roll of bubble wrap...

"Pop it in the corner", he replied.

4 hours that took me.
 
I wasted a whole hour today setting up an account at Screwfix.


Turns out it's not a dating agency after all.
 
Sad to hear the inventor of eBay has died.

He led a very dull life except for the last 2 minutes when it all went crazy.
 
I once dated a girl with brittle bone syndrome. It didn't last long which was a shame.

She was cracking in bed.
 
Paddy The Irishman sitting in Bar when Eric Claptons, Wonderful Tonight, plays out on the Pub Jukebox

"This song reminds me of my wife" says Paddy to the Barman

"The Words?" replies Barman

"No... the beard and the glasses" replies Paddy
 
I was fired tonight from my job as bingo caller at our local club.

"A meal for two with a hairy view" is apparenly not an acceptable way to call out the number 69.
 
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the Batman film.

Our dates up to this point can be summarised as follows:

Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hywel said:
I asked my boss what I should do with the 6ft roll of bubble wrap...

"Pop it in the corner", he replied.

4 hours that took me.
Click to expand...

:lol: haha love this, even more so as we have a huge roll of bubble wrap in the corner of our office and always if someone comes over looking for someone they will start laying in to the thing and popping it all :lol:
 
I went to the doctor's complaining that, I thought I was a pig.

He asked;
'How long has this been going on?'





























'Oh, about a weeeeeeeeeek.'
 
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