Old Jokes Home

[djjaycool]

Salesman

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver. The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

 

[Jam Man]

At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because i had the biggest cock. I remember i used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the weaker kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs....






Looking back I think that's probably why I was sacked

 

[djjaycool]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,

He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[Jam Man]

My mate set me up on a blind date.He said,
"She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."






I felt like a right fcuking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

 

[djjaycool]

My mate set me up on a blind date.He said,
"She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."






I felt like a right fcuking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

 

[Johnny Vodka]

At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because i had the biggest cock. I remember i used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the weaker kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs....

Looking back I think that's probably why I was sacked

 

[Jam Man]

After years of asking and pestering, my missus has agreed to anal sex..........

One question I have though, what the fcuk is a strap-on???????

 

[Jam Man]

Today I was sent to jail and then had to endure half an hour of being held face down over a table and getting violently buggered up the arse.










...........personally I think people take Monoploy a bit too seriously sometimes.

 

[djjaycool]

Today I was sent to jail and then had to endure half an hour of being held face down over a table and getting violently buggered up the arse.










...........personally I think people take Monoploy a bit too seriously sometimes.

 

[kimajy]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

So the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

'Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.

'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?'

Pmsl.

 

[I-Spy]

My new Thai girlfriend said that having a small penis should not be an issue in a strong and loving relationship.



Which, I suppose is true.

But I still kind of wish that she didn't have one.

 

[djjaycool]

 

[djjaycool]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[Jam Man]

What do a 9 volt battery and a woman's bumhole have in common?



You know its wrong, but eventually you will stick your tongue on it!

 

[Jam Man]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[Drew]

 

[ben]

i saw this on keith chegqin's twitter:

i've got a dog that finds things. it's called a labragoogle.

---

he was at his best in extras.

 

[djjaycool]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[ben]

the other herbs will learn to accept it, as thyme goes bi.

 

[Jam Man]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

"How does that feel?"









"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"