Old Jokes Home
- Thread starter Buckley
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4 men are in the desert without food.
One man dies so the three left decided to eat him
first man says I'm a Liverpool supporter so I will eat the Liver
second man says I'm a Manchester United support so I will eat the chest
The third man a supporter of Arsenal said I'm not that hungry
One man dies so the three left decided to eat him
first man says I'm a Liverpool supporter so I will eat the Liver
second man says I'm a Manchester United support so I will eat the chest
The third man a supporter of Arsenal said I'm not that hungry
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
So the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
'Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.
'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
'Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?'
So the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
'Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.
'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
'Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?'
Mate of mine used to keep owls.
He trained them to play pool in the local pub.
During one game, one of the owls accidentaly brushed a ball with its wing.
The other owl was quick to spot the foul and cried out, "TWO HITS!!"
Unaware of his mistake, the first owl replied......
"TWO HITS TO WHO???!!"
He trained them to play pool in the local pub.
During one game, one of the owls accidentaly brushed a ball with its wing.
The other owl was quick to spot the foul and cried out, "TWO HITS!!"
Unaware of his mistake, the first owl replied......
"TWO HITS TO WHO???!!"
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
kimajy
Well-Known Member
A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.
mashednlovingit
Well-Known Member
Irish Inventions...
1. PEDAL POWERED WHEELCHAIR
2. VERTICAL BATHTUBS
3. EJECTOR SEATS ON HELICOPTERS
4. FLYSCREENS ON SUBMARINES
5. SOLAR POWERED TORCHES.
6. CHOCOLATE FIREGUARD
7. ONE PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE
8. MOTOCYCLE AIR CON
9. WATREPROOF TEA BAG
10. INLFATABLE DART BOARD
11. INFLAMABLE MATCH STICK
13. Chocolate teapot
14. The lead balloon
15. A dictionary index*
16. THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO READING
17. WATER PROOF TOWEL
18. WOODEN BARBECUE
19. MOTOCYCLE ASH TRAY
20. FIRE ALARM WITH SNOOZE BUTTON
21. SALTED BANDAGES
22. BLACK HIGHLIGHTER PEN
23. INFLATABLE ANCHOR
24. SMOOTH SANDPAPER
25. GLOW IN THE DARK SUNGLASSES
26 NOT STICK SELOTAPE
27. DOULBE SIDED PLAYING CARDS
28. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
29. Battery powered battery charger.
30. Braille Drivers' Manual
31. Brown undershorts.
32. Car steering triangles -- doubles as anti-theft device.
33. Cat flap for the fridge.
34. Checkered paint.
35. Combs for bald-heads.
36. Downhill stairmaster.
37. Flavoured suppositories.
38. Hand-powered chainsaw.
39. Laundromat in a nudist colony.
40. Mesh raincoat.
41. Motorcycle seat-belts.
42. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
43. Papier mache step ladder.
44. Second-hand fireworks.
45. An underwater hairdryer*
46.See though blinds.*
47. cordless bungee jump.*
1. PEDAL POWERED WHEELCHAIR
2. VERTICAL BATHTUBS
3. EJECTOR SEATS ON HELICOPTERS
4. FLYSCREENS ON SUBMARINES
5. SOLAR POWERED TORCHES.
6. CHOCOLATE FIREGUARD
7. ONE PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE
8. MOTOCYCLE AIR CON
9. WATREPROOF TEA BAG
10. INLFATABLE DART BOARD
11. INFLAMABLE MATCH STICK
13. Chocolate teapot
14. The lead balloon
15. A dictionary index*
16. THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO READING
17. WATER PROOF TOWEL
18. WOODEN BARBECUE
19. MOTOCYCLE ASH TRAY
20. FIRE ALARM WITH SNOOZE BUTTON
21. SALTED BANDAGES
22. BLACK HIGHLIGHTER PEN
23. INFLATABLE ANCHOR
24. SMOOTH SANDPAPER
25. GLOW IN THE DARK SUNGLASSES
26 NOT STICK SELOTAPE
27. DOULBE SIDED PLAYING CARDS
28. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
29. Battery powered battery charger.
30. Braille Drivers' Manual
31. Brown undershorts.
32. Car steering triangles -- doubles as anti-theft device.
33. Cat flap for the fridge.
34. Checkered paint.
35. Combs for bald-heads.
36. Downhill stairmaster.
37. Flavoured suppositories.
38. Hand-powered chainsaw.
39. Laundromat in a nudist colony.
40. Mesh raincoat.
41. Motorcycle seat-belts.
42. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
43. Papier mache step ladder.
44. Second-hand fireworks.
45. An underwater hairdryer*
46.See though blinds.*
47. cordless bungee jump.*
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair
styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She
mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ..
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you
staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's
Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only
were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to
business class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million
remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel
in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of
the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She
mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ..
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you
staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's
Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only
were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to
business class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million
remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel
in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of
the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a
very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think
very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think
Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my pitbull, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking pitbull he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing at him. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f**k up, ya annoyin' little bastard!" Parrot replies,
"GET HIM SPIKE!!"
The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking pitbull he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing at him. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f**k up, ya annoyin' little bastard!" Parrot replies,
"GET HIM SPIKE!!"
Johnny Vodka
Well-Known Member
A priest books into a travelodge and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
She replies, "No, it's ordinary porn you sick bastard."
She replies, "No, it's ordinary porn you sick bastard."