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Lost in Translation

Five Germans in a Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border control. The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Idiot! Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"

"I'ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.":)
 
Too soon?


"North Korea on the look out for a new leader after the death of Kim Jong Il.

Gary Glitter has been shortlisted due to his experience of fcuking over small Asian types."
 
My wife said to me the other day;

"You only want sex when you're drunk".

"Not true". I replied. "Sometimes I want a kebab".
 
I was thinking of mixing some Nitrous Oxide in with the gravy for Christmas Lunch this year but I would make myself a laughing stock
 
Anybody with a parrot who hasn't taught it to say ''Help me please!! They turned me into a parrot'' is missing out on having some serious fun
 
Breakfast

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
 
I had way too much Christmas cheer today and started eating the decorations!

Now in bed with severe tinselitis....
 
Hope you're not infected YET.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
 
Dave1 whenever I see the jokes thread resurrected with your name on it I just know I'm in for a treat. Where do you get your jokes from man? They are just tooo funny!
 
tristanbaldock said:
Dave1 whenever I see the jokes thread resurrected with your name on it I just know I'm in for a treat. Where do you get your jokes from man? They are just tooo funny!
Click to expand...

The majority of the material i post are found inside Magazines, Newspapers and 80% of hearsay ofwhich i try for memorising before passing them onto family, friends & ofcourse Ibiza Spotlight. Infact this afternoon i was told a quite funny Joke from a Work Colleague and i'm debating if it's suitable for submitting to this forum? Eitherway, it's nice that you appreciate such dry humor not only material i send in but also from the other Spotlighters:)

Cheers
 
Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!:)
 
Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
 
Julie Andrews Turns 76


To commemorate her birthday in October of last year, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at the Royal Albert hall for the benefit of various Charities.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >




(Sing It!) - Try singing the Song as it may raise a smile

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings
Bundles of magazines tied up in string
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break
When the eyes grow dim
Then I remember the great life I've had
And then I don't feel so bad.

:)



​
 
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH*

A young Aussie lad moved to*London*and went to Harrods looking for a job.*

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'*

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'*

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.*

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.*

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'*


The Aussie said 'One!'*


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a*day.*


How much was the sale for?'*
'£124,237.64p.'*

The manager choked and exclaimed*£124,237.64!!*What the hell did you sell him?'*

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'*


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'*



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4*


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'*

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...*


'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'
 
Alzheimer's Test

Alzheimer's Test for ModernSeniors
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6._ _NDOM
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Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry, you don't have Alzheimer's, you're just a pervert

:lol:
 
Kids

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
 
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