"It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. Women have read this entire text. Men are still looking at their thumbs. Repost if this made you smile!!"
Old Jokes Home
- Thread starter Buckley
- Start date
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer at the local Chemist that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the Chemist, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the Chemist, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Seeing The Panties
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, i've been given £5!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the £5 from.
The little girl replied, ''There was an old man down the street who gave me £5 for doing cartwheel while he was sat in a tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that the dirty old man is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I've been given £10". The mother asked, "Where did you get the £10 from?"
The little girl replied, "The old man gave me £10 for doing a cartwheel while he was again sat up in the tree looking very happy."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, i've been given £5!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the £5 from.
The little girl replied, ''There was an old man down the street who gave me £5 for doing cartwheel while he was sat in a tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that the dirty old man is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I've been given £10". The mother asked, "Where did you get the £10 from?"
The little girl replied, "The old man gave me £10 for doing a cartwheel while he was again sat up in the tree looking very happy."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Last edited by a moderator:
kimajy
Well-Known Member
Kwek, surely ?!!
Last edited by a moderator:
Been reading the top ten Edinburgh Fringe jokes?
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8 ) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532
The Mistaken Sex
An old guy is hiking up a mountain when he notices a young girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying profusely.
“Hey,†he says, “If you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?â€
“My life's been nothing but crap,†says the girl. “So I might as well.â€
After the girl's done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?â€
The girl replies, “My family have just disowned me for dressing like a woman.â€
“Hey,†he says, “If you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?â€
“My life's been nothing but crap,†says the girl. “So I might as well.â€
After the girl's done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?â€
The girl replies, “My family have just disowned me for dressing like a woman.â€
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whisky.
"Well you must be drowning your sorrows or celebrating something eh?" says the barman.
"My first blow job tonight" says the man.
"So you're celebrating then? congratulations!"
"Nope, trying to get the taste out of my mouth!!!"
"Well you must be drowning your sorrows or celebrating something eh?" says the barman.
"My first blow job tonight" says the man.
"So you're celebrating then? congratulations!"
"Nope, trying to get the taste out of my mouth!!!"
Advice
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"