Old Jokes Home

Haunted house?

I was making a curry last night when the doorbell rang.

Went to the door - usual no thanks to whatever he was selling :spank:

Returned to the kitchen to find all the ingredients moved, rice on the floor, all 5 hob burners on full and the oven door wide open.

The Mrs reckons we've got a baltigeist...
 
Dead Pussy

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
 
is it michael jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
 
Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."
 
kimajy said:
Yoko Ono is to appear in the next series of "I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here" ..

Show bosses think she'll have no problem coping with the Bushtucker Trials, seeing as she's been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years ..
Click to expand...

Pinched for facebook, x
 
Jam Man said:
I was making a curry last night when the doorbell rang.

Went to the door - usual no thanks to whatever he was selling :spank:

Returned to the kitchen to find all the ingredients moved, rice on the floor, all 5 hob burners on full and the oven door wide open.

The Mrs reckons we've got a baltigeist...
Click to expand...


now on facebook, thanks x
 
djjaycool said:
Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Click to expand...

Must try to remember these :) .. tho' 'zip yourself up mate, your knob's hanging out' is probably the one that's most likely to come spilling out if I ever noticed !!
 
My Mrs asked me...

"Do you ever think of me when you're on a lads weekend away?"


"Only to stop me coming to soon", was apparently not the answer she wanted.
 
Rupert Murdoch is said to have told reporters yesterday he was touched by all the messages left on Amy Winehouse's answering machine.
 
Little Johnny Learns Politics

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t." :lol:
​
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Dave 1 said:
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t." :lol:​
Click to expand...

That's good that is !
 
An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake, Henry! Leave it on the porn channel. You
already know how to fish!"
 
Amy walks into a bar.

The barman says 'sorry luv we don't serve spirits here'

Well - it was only a matter of time !!
 
Mummy Almost Died

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say her father replied, "Piddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Daddy Daddy, Mummy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened her father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."
​
 
Dave 1 said:
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say her father replied, "Piddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Daddy Daddy, Mummy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened her father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."
​
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
I was watching the news with my wife last night, "looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right" I said.

"Yeah very funny" she replied, "I predict a riot".

I said "no every day I love you less and less".
 
OK - bring on the gags ...

If you saw an Apple store get robbed does that make you an iwitness ?

Dyslexic hoodies have burned down a brothel in South London. They thought it was a warehouse.
 
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