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I'm getting really fed up of all the criticism of Jimmy Savile.

He can't be all bad - when I was 12, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.




Police have now said regarding the allegations, that Jeremy Beadle might have had a small hand in it though...
 
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Last time I was in Ibiza I kept asking my girlfriend if she would take it up the back-end and she kept saying "No!".
I plyed her with plenty of San Miguel and shots of Absinthe until eventually she relented and said "Yes!".

What a relief! There was no way I could get another 6 packs of Golden Virginia in the suitcase! :twisted:
 
The lad next door was running about and shouting and waving a pretend magic wand in the air so I asked him "I bet you'd love to be just like Harry Potter wouldn't you?", And he replied "YEAH!!!".


So I murdered both his parents and locked him up under the stairs! :twisted:
 
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
 
Last night I went to a bestiality orgy. Every man and his dog was there.

What's Tim Westwood's favourite starter?
Tinie Tempura
 
This one made me chuckle today:


A prospective client asks a Moscow lawyer:
“How much do you charge?”
“$1,000 for three questions.”
“It's that expensive?”
“Yes. And what's your third question?”
 
Paddy sends his wife a txt ; Mary, im having one more pint with the lads, if im not home in 20 minutes, read this txt again
 
Surely Oscar Pistorious can`t be the first man to wake up legless on valentines day and shoot all over his wife while imagining she`s someone else..
 
My mate asked me, "What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?".
I replied, "That's easy! It was when my mum caught me having sex!".
"Was she mad?", he asked.
"You bet!", I replied, "She grounded me and my sister for a whole month!".
 
An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee.

Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.

Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.

As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.

Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed.

Then jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"

As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't touch me man! I'm on workers comp!!"
 
A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him... and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from... so he says... "Sorry... Do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the father... of one of my children."
...
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap...", he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
.
."No...", she replies, "I'm your son's teacher..."
 
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