So, this is my 1000th post and I suppose a fairly important one. I’ve been drafting it for a few weeks, and it will be long and rambling, but here goes...
A few weeks back, I posted that I was thinking about writing about my mental health, but was uncertain as it might come across as a bit self indulgent and inward looking, but a few of you said you were cool with it, so thought I would give it a crack. This isn't a deep dive into all aspects of mental health over all people and all time, but more a view on how I have experienced it, and how my experiences and approach have changed over time, particularly over the last year or so during C*vid times.
So, up to maybe two years ago, I considered myself to be in pretty good shape, mental health wise. Good home life, decent job, a few select friends and enough cash to be able to do nice things. The strange thing is that I can’t pick an event or an instance that caused things to change a bit.
I started to experience some pretty anxious feelings that rational me would know are ridiculous, but the anxious me seemed to suppress that rationalisation somehow. This led to sleepless nights, struggle for focus, worry about so many little things all across normal life that previously wouldn’t have been of any concern to me at all. I wish I could say that I had some magic solution that caused me to crack it, but the reality is that I haven’t found it (yet) and the anxiety has become almost an accepted part of my life.
At no point would I have considered myself to be at the extreme end of things, no drastic considerations about not carrying on or anything like that, but it has just become a sort of constant hum in the background of day to day living.
The last year or so has been both good and bad for me in relation to this- good in that it has made me not be subject to those stressful social scenarios that caused me so much strain, but bad in that of those situations aren’t there, it’s almost impossible to combat the feelings around them- fire or fury!
If you met me for the first time, you would probably walk away thinking I was relatively confident, fairly talkative, but maybe a little quiet on occasion. Generally, you'd be right, but what you can't see is the constant inner dialogue that's going on, the stress about saying the right thing, saying anything at all, or saying nothing. The lack of seeing people too much recently has removed this from my worry list.
However, I desperately want to be able to be that social person, to chat to anyone when out and about, to be able to present to work colleagues with confidence and doubt- I’ve got a fair old way to go to get back to there again.
I don’t consider myself to be “ill”, more that there’s just this unwanted aspect to my way of thinking that I’d like to sod off and set me free again before it’s too late and the opportunities dry up. There are many many people out there who have it much much worse than I do.
Now, all of this might be a load of self indulgent bollocks, or it might resonate with you a little, a lot, or not at all. You might think I'm strange, or perfectly normal. However, this is how I am, and how I suspect a lot of people are as well.
This post has not been designed for attention, or sympathy, or to kick off any deep conversation, but more to set out my experiences in writing, and it might light a bulb with one or two of you. Maybe this is my own therapy, and you folks have just been subjected to it in a forum which has little to do with it- if so, I apologise.
I suppose my overall message is that I am a bit weird, and you probably are a bit too. Talk if you're comfortable, but don't feel under any pressure to if it's not your thing. You know you, and those that are close to you care if they are genuinely good people.
Look after yourselves and each other, we're all on this mad ride together, and I really really hope to meet some of you very soon for a welcome Fanta Limon and a filthy rave up- this group of people have been super valuable to me- I don’t know any of you, but I feel like I know you all a little bit.
Always happy to chat with anyone about anything, either in here, or via DM, on the phone or in real life. Don’t forget the great motto of life- Don’t be a dick.
xx
PS- hope you’re all being nice to each other in the C*vid thread!