Saturday 16th August
Do you remember that feeling when you were a kid and you woke up on Christmas Eve…you just wanted the day to go so quick so it would be Christmas Day?
I woke up, if a little sore-headed, around 12ish with the same feeling in my belly. A pleasurable excitement, the sort of jitters you get around exams, first dates or getting away with something naughty/illegal
……Today is officially Hed Kandi Day…wahay 8) . The Crane and myself basked all day in the jacuzziesque sea for the best part of the day could have been the beans we’d have for tea the night prior. We were both suffering from a bad case of the whippies by the end of the day…”look at 1pm”, “check out 3 o’clock”, “have you seen that?”, “Filth”….in fact that was fast becoming the holiday catchphrase…we would both be going to El Divino with Avid Merrion neck braces on at this rate
. Everything was going swimmingly (no pun intended – honest!) until the Crane thought he’d seen a member of his feathered family taking a dunk in the sea behind us. He swore, he’d seen a duck diving under the waves only to surface and coming back up. Bollocks!
I’d not seen one duck in all the time I’d been there…no way…..then I saw it, what at first glance did resemble a duck fishing…on second glance was…a………I haven’t a clue?? I’d draw am artist impression but it would look something like a certain creature from Loch Ness….(Macrakin - got any piccies of the Ibiza Nessie??? I know you must have). Well on further inspection, it seemed to dive then disappear for a few minutes and pop back up, take a look round, mere cat style and then submerge once more. It could have been a periscope I guess but the sea for me isn’t deep enough where it was appearing. All in all it was effin weird I can tell you. One of life’s many mysteries…..I was going to have to put elastic bands on my short’s legs from now on.....yes siree, no dirty rascal sea serpent is getting up my shorts…..there’s not enough room for 2 of them!
What seemed like 17 years at sea, the two water babies retired to the apartments.
With Vodka on tap, the soldiers got superfunked as per usual, sank a few powered up Ivans & Miguels in the appartment’s Bay Bar. A quality soul-fuelled atmosphere greeted our every sip, as live p0rn sax and pumped up love bongos filled the air. Hotfooted it over to Bar M, which was standardly all funked out. One soldier, uncharacteristically, unrascaled for a change spotted a previous night’s slice and humming birded across to her for a quick tonsil hockey session. She revealed she’d be in El Divino wearing Orange hot pants again….Danger! Danger!
Boogied on down to Savannah’s funky lounge before we hopped over to Coastline to catch the coach. In the early part of the night, I couldn’t help but notice that BeerMatt had put on his white camp vest and he looked like Bruce Willis in Diehard but not as athletic
. Therefore, all that night he was nicknamed Don Mclaine instead of John, the movie’s character
. I’d always been told you had to take a boat to El-Divino – not so. It was a coach ride all the way much to our dismay. It does look pretty p0rn like sitting on the bay of the marina it has to be said. I was very impressed with the queuing system too….there wasn’t one, straight in and we were in. Oh my God of Funk!!! Awesome! If Pacha is jaw-droppingly beautiful this was on another level! The Fox had landed in heaven. The dancers first – blonde, sweated up and filth all the way! Some of the raunchiest moves I have seen outside a top shelf video! The tunes??? It was as if we had slipped the Kandi lads our own play list. Think of the greatest funky house collection you can ever imagine…ever….it was better than that…..Down and under, So much love to give, At night kid Crème mix, Austin’s Grove, If I had a choice, Simpson’s tune, Sweet hang, Inner Smile, Backfired, Diamond Life, The light, Shout, Shake It, Rise, Shined on me, I feel Love, Are you ready for love, It’s Yours, Love story, You sure do, Superman, Do some right to mention a few…if only they had ripped out Let the music take control and Come on over. …..That would have been game over. Sweated up to the max is an understatement.. Paid a visit to the terrace to admire the fantastic view and check out the local talent. Supermodels on tap but mostly attached to your stereotypical mane head neathandrals. Casual. Don got eyed up by some other fellas, even though he was totally oblivious as the crane and myself stood or tried to stand in fits of laughter
…that vest will never ever see the light of day again.
The one problem with women in the clubs over here is that the blue rascal pilled up crew seem to taint you with the same brush just because you drink water and sweat like a badger wearing a duffel coat in a microwave….This doesn’t automatically mean you are a member of this not so select fraternity ladies
. It’s a price you have to pay I guess. This was turning out to be the best clubbing experience I’d ever had. Everything you could want from a night out. Class in a glass….there aren’t enough superlatives in the modern English dictionary to describe Hed Kandi nights. Filthy birds, filthy tunes – filth overload.. If I die now, I can live a fulfilled afterlife knowing I’ve experienced this night. Lightweights Doogal and Beermatt made a hasty retreat at 6am; Rose jnr had disappeared long ago. Crane and myself larged it until around 7.30-7.45am, reluctantly calling it a day due to being absolutely fubared (..Don Mclaine should have said that…Yipeekieyay…).
Stumbled out of El Divino into the daylight, Gremlin style…bright light, bright light and started chatting to an attractive flyer girl at the harbour entrance. Chitchat followed and the Crane chirps up…”oh my God, there’s the Rose!!”
A foot away, no word of a lie the Rose had woken up off a park bench as we were gassing. Result! The flyer girl told us we had a 15 minute hike to the nearest taxi rank. The Hex crane said, “If there is a God up there, please send us a taxi cab!” As soon as he finished his sentence, as if some divine inspiration had taken place, some random Irish bloke resembling Shaggy from Scooby Doo asked us if we needed a lift. Damn right mister. In we jumped into this completely illegal Nissan Micra…20 Euros and we were back at HQ. It does not get any better than that my friends…..
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?basically it?s a ramp where you have to chip the ball into a basket which has a tube leading to the hole.
. As a last minute replacement for the Brain, he’d had a good innings and can hold his head up high and say, “Yes, I was responsible for fuelling the carnage while I was here.” Damn right fella. The three of us tried to come up with a sure-fire winner of an excuse to tell his missus why he was staying on for another week…..I blame heat exhaustion as some of the suggestions we came up ranged from the absurd to the totally shite. Baldrick would have made better ones than us 3 amigos. Useless is an understatement. One involved telling her he’d missed his flight……and that was it. Started off well but then died a death. I feel. Tell her you’ve been unwell for a week Trouble and you have to stay out here to get your money’s worth. Oh yeah, that’ll work. Numpties. As Trouble packed, the Crane and myself sat in the sea observing the surroundings, admiring fabrics and textures of bikinis and basically making notes of whom we’d like to…..change a plug for