Oh, no. I am not embarrassed by it at all. It's not as if I robbed someone. The smiley was just a smiley. I used to have quite a bit of an inferiority complex when it came to pursuing relationships till about 2003.
The society that I grew up was a very comparative one and one that is controlled by shame. In other words a lot of negative encouragement. I was always slammed with comments like "why can't you be like this person or that person", "look at this person or that person... how good their grades are...how well behaved they are...etc." If I got good grades, I got the comment that the test was probably easy. I was in the top 4 table-tennis players in the provincial team in Pakistan (under 16). Whenever, I came back with a trophy or something, and my Dad would often say that if I were only as good in my studies as I was at table-tennis.
I had a long convo with my folks about it. I told them that I never blame them for the issues I had. They did what they thought was best for me. They grew up in countries where you could not make a living at being an athlete. Heck one would have a very hard time supporting oneself, let alone a family, being a teacher or a Physics major or art major. I told them that the only thing that they never realized was that it really messed me up from my teenage years till my upper 20s. Even now I have a hint of that complex, but it is a faint glimmer of what it used to be.
All throughout my years whenever, I came across someone that I was really attracted to, I never approached them, as I justified to myself by saying that "what did I have to bring to the table?" "I have not achieved anything in my life." My achievements were measured by material success, as that I what was indirectly drilled into me. The sad thing was that no matter what I did it was never good enough for me. Heck, I was the first student to ever come from abroad and become the President of the Society of Petroleum Engineers at The University of Texas at Austin, the first student to ever come from abroad and be awarded the student leadership award by the College of Engineering at UT. I graduated with a decent GPA from the top Petroleum Engineering program in the country (if not the world). I excelled in my professional career. All that was never good enough. I became a bottomless pit.
However, when I moved to CA I met my best friend, Harald, who is from Stuttgart and his wife if from Denmark. Even though my parents are Iranian and his are German, but the way they raised us was identical; I mean 99% same, but he never had issues with chicas like I did. He is 12 years older than me, and his wife (who is from Denmark) is my age. Talk about a cradle robber
. He is like an older brother that I always wanted. He and his wife Camilla were the reason why I got out of the dark hole.
So, me compadre John, that is why I have been solo for my first 27 years. Now, the situation is that when most of the people the I was physically attracted to either came with a lot of baggage, or I had nothing in common with them, or they had nothing in common with me. Also considering the fact that when I go out and 10 people approach me, 5 of them are guys and 3/5 girls think I am gay (because of my colorful way of dressing up) reduces the pool significantly.
Let's also face it, it is very hard to find someone who is
genuinely into the stuff that we are into (clubbing, house music, etc.) and who would be totally cool with shooting, hunting, etc., and vice versa. But that's who I am and this bubba ain't gonna make compromises on my activities. It's not as if I am going and banging other people's wives for a passtime.
How the funk did we manage to rob Barbie's thread and discuss my history? Sorry Babs.
and her last wish was that these dogs go to a good home together
