Signs you've been in_________ too long....

[vdubjb]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £5.00 for a pint...
3. Anyone not from London is a 'W@nker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a
'Northern W@nker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see Robbie Williams in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard
to get
excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking
they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. eg. "God! It was really warm round SW1
the
other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your
car in the city.



SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'Mad
fer it',
"Nobody says that - EVER!", you scream.
2. You say 'Mad fer it', when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing
of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'.. until they
kick your
head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'sun-tanned'.
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with
the
shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester
is.


SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organized crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any
more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like and 'man'' eg. 'Ah'm no goin'
there, like,
its
pish man'.
4. You think Tennent's is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of
pish like, man'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you
meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words
'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you
have consumed since birth.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan
looks
good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hrs to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing
of
it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat,
bread or potatoes.
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the
time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners
cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUNDEE TOO LONG
1. You're still there.

 

[Morbyd]

Signs you've been in Moscow too long (refers to western expatriates)

1. You have to think twice about throwing away an empty instant coffee jar.
2. You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case".
3. You say he/she is "on the meeting" (instead of "at the" or "in a" meeting).
5. You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo" before giving the caller a chance to respond.
6. You save table scraps for the cats living in the courtyard.
7. When crossing the street, you sprint.
8. In winter, you choose your route by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you in the head.
9. You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga car.
10. You let the telephone ring at least 4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
11. You hear the radio say it is zero degrees outside and you think it is a nice day for a change.
12. You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles ($2) to go 2 kilometers in a blizzard.
13. You actually know and CARE whether Spartak won last night. Or Rostelmash if you lived in Rostov-on-Don.
14. You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
15. You are pleasantly surprised when there is toilet paper in the WC at work.
16. You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
17. You automatically hand in your mace at the door before going through a metal detector.
18. You are pleasantly surprised when there is real wine in the bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli you bought in a kiosk. I will never forget the bottle of red colored rubbing alcohol that I bought with a Kinzamaruli label.
19. You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous. I was a Peace Corps volunteer--what cell phone?!?!
20. Your day seems brighter after seeing that goon's Mercedes broadsided by a pensioner's "Moskvich".
21. You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
22. Your not sure what to do you when the "GAI" (traffic cop) only asks you to pay the official fine.
23. You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
24. You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional. I had a waitress chase me down because she thought that I had left my change.
25. You plan your vacation around those times of the year when the hot water is turned off.
26. You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses a handkerchief.
27. You are envious because your expat friend has smaller door keys than you have. Keys can double as self-defense weapon.
28. You ask for no ice in your drink. 29. You start using "da" instead of "yes".
30. You go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity instead of recreation.
31. You develop a liking for beets.
32. You begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady. This one must have been added by a Brit. We know that he or she didn't have a real conversation or else the real surprise about socializing with such a person would have been the intelligent conversation about literature or art. For example, the secretary in my office saw my screensaver with paintings from the Tretekov Gallery and could name the painter and name of every painting that came up on the screen.
33. You know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
34. You start to believe that you're a character in a Tolstoi novel.
35. You know seven people whose favorite novel is "The Master and Margarita".
36. You change into tapki (slippers) and wash your hands as soon as you walk into your apartment.
37. You take a trip to Budapest and think you've been to heaven.
38. You start thinking of black bread as a good chaser for vodka. So are pickles.
39. You drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
40. You can read bar-codes, and you start shopping for products by their country of production.
41. You begin to refer to locals as "nashy" (ours). Our they start to refer to you as nash.
42. It doesn't seem strange to pay the GAI $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn, and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
43. Your coffee cups habitually smell of vodka.
44. You know more than 60 Olgas.
45. You give you business card to social acquaintances.
46. You wear a wool hat in the sauna.
47. You put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
48. You are rude to people at the airport for no reason.
49. You have to check your passport for an arrival-in-Russia date.
50. 'Remont', 'pivo' and 'nalivai' become integral parts of your vocabulary.
51. You've been to Tallinn at least a dozen times for visas.
52. You are curious as to when they might start exporting Baltika beer to your home country.
53. Cigarette smoke becomes 'tolerable'.
54. You think metal doors are a necessity.
55. You changed apartments 6 times in 6 months.
56. You no longer feel like going to your "home" country.
57. You speak to other expats in your native language, but forget a few of the simplest words and are forced to throw in some Russian ones.
58. You remember how many kilos you weigh - but forget how many pounds.
59. A gallon of gasoline or milk seems like a foreign concept.
60. You no longer miss the foods you grew up with, and pass them up at foreign-owned supermarkets.
61. You actually enjoy shopping at the rynok, and you think that Ramstore is the most advanced supermarket you've ever been to.
62. You think that the Manezh is a real shopping mall.
66. You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half a head of cabbage.
68. You don't feel guilty about not paying on the trolley.
69. You can sleep through a hangover without curtains on your windows.
70. The elevator aroma seems reassuring somehow.
71. You no longer think washing clothes in the bathtub is an inconvenience.
72. You can heat water on the stove and shower with it in under 10 minutes.
73. You have to take E S L lessons before you go home.
75. Your sister writes to you about the best prime rib she's ever had and you can't remember what it looks or tastes like.
76. The sellers at the rynok start calling you by your patronymic only.
77. You have had your clothes ruined by all the so-called Western style dry cleaners and have to start the cycle over again.
78. You bring your own scale and calculator to the market to make sure the amount you are charged is correct.
79. When you know the Moscow Metro better than you know the subway system back home.
80. A weekend anywhere in the Baltics qualifies as a trip to the West.
81. You start buying Russian toilet paper.
82. You sit in silence with your eyes shut for a few moments before leaving on any long journey.
83. You look in the mirror to turn away bad luck if you have to return home to pick something up you've forgotten.
84. You catch yourself whistling indoors and feel guilty.
85. You never smile in public when you're alone.
86. You know the official at the metro station/airport/border post/post office/railway station etc. etc. is going to say "nyet", but you argue anyway.
87. When you save tea-bags of Yorkshire Tea brought over specially from home to use for a second cuppa later....
88. When you go back to England and notice how frosty, unemotional, unsentimental and cold the Brits are and long to return to the warm rush of the Russian "dusha" (soul).
89. When that strange pungent mix of odours of stale sawdust, sweat and grime in the metro makes you feel safe and at home....
92. You get wildly offended when you are asked to pay at the coatcheck. 94. You are afraid of offending someone by asking them what they do for a living. I can't remember how many men I met who said (or claimed) that they couldn't tell me what they do.
93. You cross yourself on the number 7.
95. (For women) When you dress up in your best outfits for work and ride the metro.
96. When the word "salad" ceases for you to have anything to do with lettuce.
97. When mayonnaise becomes your dressing of choice.
98. You can recite in Russian all the words to all the tampon (OK OB, etc.) and chewing gum commercials. And even worse--to stupid pop songs.
99. When you begin paying attention to peoples' floors and can distinguish the quality of linoleum and/or parquet, and thus determine social status, taste, and income e.g. embezzled, earned, pension, unpaid, etc.).
100. You get excited when the dentist smiles and has all his own teeth.
101. You can spark a debate by asking for a decent Mexican restaurant.
102. You do all your shopping at kiosks.
103. You judge the strength of your local Mafia clan by the availability of Planters Cheese Balls.
104. You voluntarily take a stroll in the park, Baltica beer in hand, on a sub-zero day.
105. You laugh at Russian jokes.
106. You actually get these jokes.
107. When you realise that all the above and the other messages on this subject posted here are what you love about Russia, that you've been here long enough to feel at home and wonder whether you'll ever be able to fit back in in the old country....

When you go back to the "home country":

109. You think it's too hot, no matter what season you return.
110. You specify "no gas" when asking for mineral water.
111. Your friends have to keep reminding you that the word is "restroom", not "toilet".
112. You are dumbstruck when high school or college students wait on you with a smile, reciting a 90 second spiel on the "specials of the day" - and display complete knowledge of the contents of each menu item...
113. You tip very little, even for great service.
114. You try pay a traffic fine one the spot and get arrested for attempted bribery.
115. You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half a head of cabbage.
116. You are surprised to see that the cooks in a Chinese restaurant are actually Chinese.
117. You get bored with the pace and organization around you, and can't wait to get back to Russia.
118. You see a car behind you with flashing lights and think it's some politician.
119. You are in awe that after 3 days home your shoes are still clean.
120. You are insolent to people for leaving their jackets on when entering restaurants, etc.