Jokes
- Thread starter nish
- Start date
Paddy Eeziglow
Active Member
Did you hear about the Dutch girl with inflatable shoes?
She popped her clogs!
She popped her clogs!
Paddy Eeziglow
Active Member
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
To get to the other slide!
LagunaBeachCA
New Member
Here is one for you Nishmeister
A man goes for his medical checkup, and after the checkup the doctor takes him to another room, and says that "Everything is fine, but you have the dirtiest and most smelly balls I have ever come across".
The man heads back home, and while on his way back he calls up his wife, but the wife says that she is too busy to talk and abruptly hangs up. When he reaches home the man again tells his wife that they need to talk, but she is running after the kids and says that she does not have time.
He asks her again within a few minutes, and in her angrily the wife says, "I am so busy that I do not even have time to wipe my a*s". The husband then replies "Honey that is exactly what I want to talk to you about".
A man goes for his medical checkup, and after the checkup the doctor takes him to another room, and says that "Everything is fine, but you have the dirtiest and most smelly balls I have ever come across".
The man heads back home, and while on his way back he calls up his wife, but the wife says that she is too busy to talk and abruptly hangs up. When he reaches home the man again tells his wife that they need to talk, but she is running after the kids and says that she does not have time.
He asks her again within a few minutes, and in her angrily the wife says, "I am so busy that I do not even have time to wipe my a*s". The husband then replies "Honey that is exactly what I want to talk to you about".
rosswilliams
New Member
A sales rep who spends all his time travelling up and down the country had been driving all day and night when it got to about 6 o clock in the morning, so he decides to pull over into the nearest town and catch a few hours kip.
As it turned out, he'd actually parked right in the middle of the local jogging circuit and after a couple of hours sleep he gets a tap at the window.
"Don't suppose you've got the time have you mate?" - Asks one of the joggers.
"7.40" he replies, and then drifts back to sleep. Some time passes and another jogger taps on the window.
"Have you got the time please?"
"8 o clock" he replies. This happens a few more times before the driver decides to get a peice of paper and a pen and he writes a sign saying I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME! and sticks it on his window. Five or so minutes pass, when he gets another knock on the window.
"WHAT?!" shouts the driver, rather fed up by now.
"Its ten past 8"
Im here all week.
As it turned out, he'd actually parked right in the middle of the local jogging circuit and after a couple of hours sleep he gets a tap at the window.
"Don't suppose you've got the time have you mate?" - Asks one of the joggers.
"7.40" he replies, and then drifts back to sleep. Some time passes and another jogger taps on the window.
"Have you got the time please?"
"8 o clock" he replies. This happens a few more times before the driver decides to get a peice of paper and a pen and he writes a sign saying I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME! and sticks it on his window. Five or so minutes pass, when he gets another knock on the window.
"WHAT?!" shouts the driver, rather fed up by now.
"Its ten past 8"
Im here all week.
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances'"
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.
'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little less "lively".'
'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice f*cking jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote the c*nt!!!'
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances'"
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.
'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little less "lively".'
'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice f*cking jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote the c*nt!!!'
Here's one for u ......
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 yrs old, he could still have sex 3 times a night.Cilla Black, who is also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv yo 'ave sex wit yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun"
So they went back to her place. Afterwards, Sean say, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls inyour left hand and ma willie in your right"
Cilla looks perplexed, but says "alright chuck"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean say, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the besht sex yet. You'll have to......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem.
Cilla complies with the routine, and Sean wakes up after an hour. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 yrs old, he could still have sex 3 times a night.Cilla Black, who is also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv yo 'ave sex wit yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun"
So they went back to her place. Afterwards, Sean say, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls inyour left hand and ma willie in your right"
Cilla looks perplexed, but says "alright chuck"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean say, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the besht sex yet. You'll have to......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem.
Cilla complies with the routine, and Sean wakes up after an hour. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".
DJ Soulman
Active Member
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married...........
.........someone warn the f'kin Pope.
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married...........
.........someone warn the f'kin Pope.