I Should have Been Beaten Up

I've got away with a bunch of stuff I've said I am sure others never would have. I'm still not sure if this is luck or just being thin as a young adult. The only thing I can figure is nobody hits a guy in a wheel chair, why would they have bothered swinging on an Emo look alike.


I'm catching a tram in Las Vegas. Two very drunk girls are stuck at the ticket machine trying to feed in a wet bill. I say as I pass them by, "You have to be smarter than that machine if you want to use it."

I failed to notice their two equally drunk frat-boyfriends and knew I was in trouble when one of them rushed to sit his twenty-something-self down as close as he could next to me and gave me a cocky, toothy-grin, "How are you doing."

I must look just non-intimidating enough to have kept him from swinging. Of course, I couldn't leave it alone. My reply staring at one of the well placed platform monitoring devices, "Amazing in Vegas how there are camera's every where."

"So, I'll spend a night in jail."

He never swung, just stared at me intently and both of us said nothing till the tram arrived. The two girls and their calm guy friend kept whispering tand looked more concerned about their friend swinging than I was. I got off the train at the next stop and pantomimed a retard sticking a dollar in a vending machine as the tram slowly started to pull away. I could hear the pounding on the glass from four very pissed off drunk people. Thank god they weren't smart enough to know how to pull the emergency handle...love those Greeks!

Line 2 at Wal-Mart...the overweight thing behind the counter scares me just to look at her as the only thing missing on her was the a little more mascara and a Tutu. I had stopped in to pick my now ex-girlfriends frigging hand lotion that for some reason could only be acquired at a place I wouldn't go to until encumbered by shoeless children with fewer teeth.

"I though you worked in Cleveland." I muttered as I searched for my wallet. She frowns, looks concerned and totally ignores my joke.

"It looks like someone's having a bad day. Did you not find what you were looking for?"

I just stared at her for a moment as she paused with her hand just above the bag, not dropping the item in and waiting for a response. "It puts the lotion in the bag or it gets the insult again."

I'm thinking she could have taken a swing at me at this point but instead she just looks at me with the steer-caught-in-the-headlights look. Still waiting for her to say or do anything, I decide to again push my luck. "Say, are you about a size 14?" The lotion is dropped in the bag and we both barely breathe as she takes my credit card, swipes, and hands over the bag.

The last word as I walk out is of course, "Thanks Mr. Gumb. Good tuck but I still wouln't..."

She cuts me off, "Have a nice day, sir."

I actually laughed so hard in the car I started to cry.