Holy Moly
- Thread starter Barbie
- Start date
You beat me too it!
i'VE JUST STOPPED PSSING MYSELF IN THE OFFICE. THE COMMENTS FROM OTHER READERS ARE SUPERB!
Every single story is absolute genius this week - love it
You have been denied access to http://www.holymoly.co.uk/.The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.
Martin Left Smarting
A mole's friend has recently begun a relationship with a nice young chap who has the unfortunate habit of constantly bragging that Chris Martin is one of his best friends. Exactly the sort of thing any sane man would keep quiet about.
Surprisingly, his claims turned out to be true, and the dead-eyed Coldplay note-botherer joined the couple for a drink. From the outset Chris was rude, aggressive and arrogant, asking a series of personal questions and jabbing his finger into the increasingly annoyed young lady's face.
Finally, Chris turned his massive brain towards the issue of relationships, and asked the mole's friend if she had been married or engaged before, as that always made "a better woman".
"Oh, did Brad Pitt make Gwyneth 'a better woman' then?" asked the woman with wide-eyed innocence and a glint in the eye, leaving Martin open-mouthed and heading for the door.
A Shet-Up
It seems that Richard Gere's creepy lip attack on Shilpa Shetty's horsey-face wasn't as impromptu as first thought. The pair got plenty of publicity for their condom initiative and Shilpa now has what appears to be a fledgling career beginning in the US.
Which is just as well, since her Bollywood career was as dead as disco, hence her appearance on 'Celebrity Big Racists'. Now, thanks to a few bigoted comments from three thick as pig**** harpies, Shilpa's career is healthier than ever. It must be karma. Or something.
Can't Get Screw Out Of My Head
Remember Kylie's strange obsession with the turban? A necessity surely, to cover up the brave little warrior's gleaming scalp? Umm, maybe not. A hairdresser to the stars has revealed that the turban actually came in very handy for hiding the little bolts drilled into that brave little scalp, which cantilevered the pop princess's phizog upwards and into place after a facelift.
On a related matter, the promo video for 'Giving It Up' had to be cancelled after it became clear that the latest batch of facial surgery had gone slightly wrong, and the perfect pop pixie appeared to be recovering from a particularly nasty stroke.
It's rumoured that another member of pop royalty disguised her own face lift by claiming to have fallen off a horse and dislocated her shoulder while out for a trot around her country estate...
No Black-Mail
To cash in on the success of the film 'Dreamgirls', some of the creative types at the Daily Mail came up with the idea of a free CD of the film's music to be given away with the paper. They mocked up a superb cover and ran panting to the editors, sure that they'd be handsomely rewarded for their work.
However, it was turned down flat as it was somewhat at odds with normal editorial policy. Rather too many black faces for the cover of their esteemed organ, you see?
Mouldy Old Jones
Mental fashion hack Liz Jones was spotted at the launch of the Topshop Kate Moss range, but refused to have her photo taken as she felt slightly embarrassed. Perhaps because the withered old husk was the only person present over the age of 25?
Poxy Brown
A mole trundled her fragrant undercarriage along to a clap clinic this week (just for a check-up, and before you start giggling it's VERY responsible behaviour, so do be quiet at the back).
It was the usual situation in the waiting room of a GUM clinic (we'd imagine), with all the punters sitting around desperate to avoid eye contact with their fellow patients. Our mole was struck by one particular attendee, however. She seemed particularly nervous, and despite pretending to be totally engrossed in her magazine, her eyes were flicking all around the room like a panicked doe.
And she was the spitting image of a certain Melanie Brown. Clearly, it couldn't be the former Spice Girl, currently stinking out LA with her 'he's the daddy' antics, but really, this woman could pass for her sister...
So it was little surprise when a thoughtless nurse poked her head around the door and bellowed (in delicate tones normally used by regimental drill sergeants),
"Danielle Brown?"
It was Scary's sister, the 'Emmerdale' actress, who duly leapt from her chair and fled the room. And despite most people being in and out (and a bit of the old 'in-out' is what got them there in the first place) of the examination room, there was still no sign of the Leeds lady when our mole was called, quite some time later. Maybe forgetting to take precautions runs in the family?
Bobby Dazzler
Let's give Bobby Gillespie a break. He's clearly a doting father, he does the school run, he gets the bus to Marks & Sparks for the daily shop and indulges in all the mundane routines of life expected of a busy dad.
The fact that he does all of these activities wearing a leather jacket, pointy shoes and sunglasses at ten in the morning doesn't make him a twat. Oh no, it makes him a parentally-responsible rock star twat.
Robot Music
Word reaches HM that XFM are about to unveil their new strategy for wooing the London listeners back after losing Lauren Laverne, Richard Bacon, Iain Baker and Sean Keveney all in the past 6 months.
The strategy? Biffing off ALL djs between breakfast and drivetime and replacing them with back to back music and adverts.
"That's great!" you shout. But you won't be able to request anything, meaning two things:
1) The same seven songs will create a musical Chinese water torture in minicabs and offices across London,
Gary Lightbody, Johnny Borrell and The Kooks will earn a fortune in royalties.
Worra load of tosh.
Wet 'n' Dry Fun?
You might have seen the launch of Blackpool's new roller coaster, Infusion, this week on GMTV, YouTube or, if you're very clever, on HM's front page too.
So far, so good. What the owners of Infusion might like to have checked first, in these wonderful days of Google, the internet and all that malarky, is whether there was another business in Blackpool called Infusion.
And boy, is there.
Just slip "Infusion" and "Blackpool" into Google and you'll find, right at the top of the rankings, a link to Infusion Swingers' Venue, "Blackpool's Best and Only Swingers Club".
Not, HM would suggest, somewhere you'd want to take the kids for a jolly day out.
An Apology
Responsible types that we are, we have to acknowledge that a major mistake was made in the story published last week about Richard Madeley acting like a dickhead on the streets of Polperro.
Richard Madeley actually acts like a dickhead along the streets of Polruan. Sorry for any offence caused. Except to Richard.
Travelling (For The) Man
Pete Doherty. As we've pointed out in the past, he's strangely porky for a drug addict, isn't he? Well, he seems to be getting his life back together and has been praised by the courts for his attitude to ridding himself of the evil intoxicants. Yes, really.
Pete was recently evicted from his bolthole when the landlord complained about the walls no longer being magnolia but instead sporting quantities of excrement, which meant that one mole would be deprived of the pleasure of being the neighbour of the 'Happy Shopper' Sid Vicious. But wait! Pete still haunts the neighbourhood! He may have moved, but his dealer hasn't.
Our mole actually had to push past the 're-formed' rocker, who he found blocking his front door while performing a 'business transaction' with a powder-selling gentleman sat in a BMW with blacked-out windows.
Hopefully, the courts and police don't find out about these shenanigans. It's on Homerton High Street by the way, officer.
Heath And Come Mystery
Heath Ledger popped into Pinewood Studios last week on an unannounced visit to see his wife, the actress Michelle Williams, who is currently filming 'Incendiary'. Heath's noble intention was to come clean to his wife (before the tabloids got to her) about a recent indiscretion linking a young lady in LA and his cock and balls.
Michelle now divides her time between crying her eyes out in distant parts of the car park and turning her front bottom towards the always-welcoming gaze of her co-star, Mr Ewan McGregor, who is more than pleased to help Michelle over the heartache by banging away at her like a jackhammer at a gabba rave.
Ewan, of course, has a bit of previous when it comes to exercising his cock on a film set (perhaps that's why he can't help flashing the skinny little thing in movies). While strolling glassy-eyed through the car-crash of 'The Phantom Menace' someone casually mentioned to Ewan that the movie in production on the neighbouring lot happened to star Anna Friel.
Ewan stalked onto the next door set, spoke quickly to Friel and both disappeared into her trailer. No doubt some type of Jedi mind trick was used. It was clear from the sounds issuing from within that Ewan was feeling rather more than the Force while waving his chubby lightsabre around the startled starlet's chops.
Beddy Bose
When BBC sports editor Mihir Bose was awoken in the middle of the night by the sensational news that Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer had died at the Cricket World Cup, did he leap into action, thanking his source and throwing himself into the story with his usual gusto? Did he ****!
"It's not a big enough story for a sports editor," he mumbled sleepily into the phone before popping back into bed to give that huge head a few more hours beauty sleep.
So the reporters already at work, or on the way, got to work, began detailing the story and following leads. By the time all the higher profile programmes were due to go to air, out of the blue came Mihir Bose, riding out of the sunrise and stealing sound bites from colleagues left, right and centre, giving the impression that he'd been up all night, on what was, after all, a huge sporting story, and gravely intoning facts that had just been spoon fed into his fat face.
Mr Pharmacist-aah!
Rumour of the week is that the character of Jesus Christ is to appear in the improving Johnny Vegas sitcom 'Ideal' ('I Deal, geddit?) about a down-at-heel Mancunian drug dealer.
Even better news is that the founder of Christianity is to be played by the saviour of casual knitwear and all round mental 'Fall' front man Mark E. Smith.
"Fath-aah! Forgive them-aah! For they know-aah not what they do-aah!"
Oh please God, make this happen. Aah.
He Shoots, He Snores
Little Jermain Defoe appears to be as reluctant at scoring in the bedroom as he is in the Premiership.
He does, however, have two favourite sexual acts. The first involves lumping the balls forward as quickly as possible into the box region and probing frantically before shooting in a matter of seconds.
The second is far more pleasant. He suckles and slobbers on his girlfriend's milky bangers for hours, until he falls asleep like a little baby on �60,000 a week, with a contented grin spreading across his peaceful, smutty little chops.
Aww! Bless!
Bono No No
The Groucho Club is very picky on who they let in these days and they strictly adhere to the membership code. Even the mighty Bono Vox was unable to sign a guest in over his allowance, despite pointing out that his drinking buddy was former US President Bill Clinton.
So the gang were forced to find a drinking hole elsewhere, made all the more galling because through the Groucho door they could see Keith Allen telling a hilarious anecdote to a Cheeky Girl and one of Blur's roadies. Probably.
Hip-Crow-It
Nice to see Sheryl Crow doing her bit for the environment. She jokingly suggested that fat Americans should only be allowed to use one piece of toilet paper to wipe after using the bog in order to save the environment. At least, we think she was joking.
The ensuing controversy did nothing to harm ticket sales for her 'Stop Global Warming' tour (oh, alright then, now you put it so reasonably we'll stop deliberately warming up the planet - thanks for the eye-opener). It's quite a big tour as well. Doing her bit for the planet means that Sheryl is followed around by 13 gas-guzzling articulated lorries carrying her crew, the set and heaviest of all, her opinions in the back.
True Romance
Here's a little tale about a grunge legend and close personal friend of Kurt and Courtney you may not have heard yet.
A story has worked its way through the space-time continuum from the mid-nineties, when this chap was being hip and cool as only he can, and 'hanging' with some of Brighton's brighter bands.
Somehow, he convinced a 16-year-old girl to come back to his monster's lair and view his impressive collection of Nirvana's teabags and empty shampoo bottles. The young lady took a seat in the lounge while our legend disappeared from the room, only to re-appear in a gimp mask.
Before the terrified young thing could react, he opened his mouth, stuck his tongue out and begged her to extinguish lit cigarettes on his chubby tongue. The girl fled from the house and immediately told her mother, who took matters into her own hands.
Turning up on matey's doorstep, she shouted her disgust at his kinky requests, much to the amusement of the neighbours and the pathetic perve's horror, backing away into his grubby little rat-hole and staying there for quite a few days.
*******************************************************
Rehab is an expensive business...
Luckily for Pete, Kate can afford it
http://snipurl.com/TimesRichList_PB
*******************************************************
"I could be doing heroin. I really could!
Like, without cigarettes, I would be doing heroin,
probably." - Joel Madden, Good Charlotte
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 03.04.07 ISSUE 348
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
* Celebrity finger pointing
* Fighting talk in Helmand.
* Charts: Manic Street Preachers are number one
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Do you really want to hurt me? <<
Neighbours sigh at Boy George's pulling power
The escort who claims he was chained to a wall
by Boy George, after being picked up on gaydar,
is known at his gym near London Bridge Hospital
for hanging around the showers in near-
translucent white shorts, (showing off his
eight-and-a-half inch penis) and decamping to
a unused sun bed room if he gets lucky.
If George's New York neighbours are to be
believed, Carlsen is not the first escort he's
picked up for this purpose. One tells us that
George often brought young chaps back to his
apartment for a session with whips and chains.
The neighbour regularly resorted to banging on
the walls and shouting, "Can you just finish
him off quietly, for Christ's sake!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Ozzy Osbourne's current rider: fruit basket, hot
English tea, Canderel (but not any other sweetener).
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Finger pointing <<
Celebrities get nailed
A manicurist to the stars tells us about the
hands and feet of celebrities:
* Most disgusting pig-like star? Sienna Miller.
- fingernails "like a tramp", and athlete's foot.
* Most surprising defects? Liz Hurley
"appalling cracked heels".
* Most perfectly manicured? Nancy dell'Ollio
"Hands and feet so good she could do my nails".
-----------------------------------------------------
Helvetica, the typeface, is 50 years old this week.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which primetime BBC star, currently appearing
in two shows, likes to entertain friends at his
house parties by masturbating on his
breakfast bar?
This celebrity clothes-horse, actress and
magazine favourite has had so much botox
around her mouth that she has little holes
above her lips from the needles. She's been to
Spain this year for secret work to repair them.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lembit Opik performed a three-minute Harmonica solo
on stage with funk band Sketchbeat at a charity fund
-raiser in the Houses of Parliament last week.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Yeltsinomics <<
Russian premier makes joke
Following on from Boris Yeltsin's funeral,
our favourite story from a British journalist
who interviewed him:
Journalist: "So, President Yeltsin, how would
you describe the state of the Russian
economy in one word?"
Yeltsin: "Good".
Journalist: "Okay then Mr President, perhaps
you would describe it in more than one word?"
Yeltsin: "Ah, in that case - not good."
-----------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite brand manager, Camper shoes'
Phil McAveety.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Popbits <<
Football house-buying merry-go-round
* Alan Hanson lives in a white 12-bedroom mansion
by Royal Birkdale golf course. Mark Lawrenson
lives directly opposite.
* Louis Saha bought Ruud van Nistelrooy's old
house. He sold his old house to Kerry Katona.
* Oxford manager Jim Smith has a house next door
to Wrexham manager Dennis Smith. They are
not related.
-----------------------------------------------------
One of the largest advertising hoardings in
Khartoum features Craig David.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> It's no joke <<
Fighting talk in Helmand
O L...ord writes:
"I'm embedded with the British army in
Afghanistan. I was flying with an army chaplain
on a Chinook, and connected to the intercom,
so could hear and talk to the two pilots and
crewmen. The men started telling jokes, all
suited to the chaplain's appearance. At the
end of the trip one of the crewmen, Mark Scotland,
got bored and told this joke. Respect."
A little girl is crying at the edge of a
cliff. A man walks up to her and asks.
"Why are you crying?"
"My daddy was in a car and he just drove it
off the cliff," she sobs.
"There, there," says the man. "Where's mummy?"
"She was in the car, too", says the girl,
"There's no one left to look after me."
"Well", says the man, undoing his belt and
pulling down his trousers. "Looks like
it's not your lucky day".
-----------------------------------------------------
The day after their album was released, Artic Monkeys
were refused entry to London's Phoenix bar because
they looked too young and weren't members.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Chelsea mourning <<
Being a royal has its advantages
A posh blonde Daily Mail reporter is in trouble
with editor Paul Dacre this week as she was
sent to a party to find gossip on Prince
William, snapped him leaving with a girl,
but then decided she couldn't hand over
the photo to the paper in case she got the
cold-shoulder from her aristo Chelsea Set.
-----------------------------------------------------
Daily Mail proprietor Lord Jonathan Rothermere is
known by younger staff on the paper as J-Ro,
because of his attempts to look young and trendy.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> All that jazz <<
Elton escapes lynching
The Tobago Jazz Festival passed off without
Elton John getting beheaded, as homophobic
islanders were threatening. The loser on the
night turned out to be Diana Ross, whose set
was cut short by half by the over-running
of a local Soca artist. Backstage, she
appeared "distressed", and left quickly.
A local tells us all was not well.
"The price of a ticket alone was about
three times a family food budget. And by the
way, Port of Spain zoo has giant Brazilian
River Otters who tease each other, and their
keepers, by turning taps on and off and
squirting each other with water."
-----------------------------------------------------
American Spice news: Baby is advertising Prego pasta
sauce on TV; Posh annoyed shoppers at the Grove last
weekend for getting Abercrombie & Fitch closed for
a personal shopping spree. No-one does this in LA.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Beds of the rich and famous <<
Only fools and horses like car-beds
Nicholas Lyndhurst has a bed shaped like
a racing car. A carpenter in Surrey last
year won the brief to design a Red Ferrari
bed fashioned in Mahogany.
-----------------------------------------------------
Darius' younger brother, Aria, stops pedestrians
on Sauchiehall St, Glasgow for Oxfam.
(He was his school's cross-country champion, too).
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Girls: not wild about Joe <<
Sad pornographer gets comeuppance
Seedy Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis,
in jail on contempt charges, already made
himself unpopular with models and fashion
insiders in London last year. Used to taking
advantage of tipsy girls, Joe tried to chat up
some models at a party for the Gumball Rally
but ended up in a ruck with a celebrity make-up
artist. She thought she saw him put something in a
friend's drink so ushered some young models
away. Francis went ape****, followed the girls
outside and pinned the petite make-up artist
to the wall, screaming "Don't you know
who I am?" When she just laughed at him,
having no clue at the time who he was, he
started screaming that she'd "never work in
this town again". Luckily, she has.
-----------------------------------------------------
Ant, from Ant & Dec, was thrown out of Oh So Social
club, Brighton, last weekend for queue jumping.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Albums, football clubs, Joe Perry
It's almost Eurovision time. Here are two
fan favourites. Insipid boy-totty Greece and Belarus:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiwxsBPcubY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV2tAAqTzo0
Good-bye O.C. One of the band's they introduced,
Goldspot (covering Modest Mouse while Julie
Cooper was getting a tennis lesson) are preparing
to release their first album. Listen/watch:
http://go.popbit.ch/34
World's greatest album covers?
http://www.stevecarter.com/albumcovers.htm
Write a speech for Aussie PM John Howard:
http://www.SameSame.com.au/yesprimeminister
Joe Perry sells his own-recipe hot sauces -
Boneyard Brew and Mango-Peach Tango:
http://www.joeperrysrockyourworld.com/
US gossip guru Ted Casablanca is claiming
Laura Bush has moved out to the Hay-Adams
hotel because of her husband's boozing relapse:
http://www.eonline.com/gossip/awful/?uuid=7c0bfd7f-4525-428a-b0aa-0b8fe92ca139
Everything that is wrong with X Factor in
three-and-a-half minutes. Chasing Cars -
listen and weep:
http://www.myspace.com/shaunofficial
*******************************************************
It's Chateau Roux's 1st Birthday! And as with every
party, there are goody bags (worth �20), free with the
first 100 orders we receive online!
"Ceeeee-lebrate good times....." Ahem.
https://www.chateauroux.co.uk *******************************************************
>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 5th May
++ Number One
MANIC STREET PREACHERS Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
++ Top Twenty
GROOVE ARMADA Get Down
DADA Lollipop
++ Top Forty
AMY WINEHOUSE Back To Black
JAMIE T Sheila
HELLO GOODBYE Here
>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!
* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* Web hosting by: http://del.co.uk
* Mail by aysabtu
*****************************************************
Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, JB, DL, LT, bigdog,
plastiktom, LB, SW, CW, JH, S, HL, R, Z, DT, LW,
thatevilwoman, minkychunky, deep_stoat, party_b
jacques_as_in_hattie, AS,
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
Q: Did you hear about the angry fly on the toilet seat?
A: He got pissed off
Still Bored?
Want to own a football club?
http://www.myfootballclub.co.uk/
Rehab is an expensive business...
Luckily for Pete, Kate can afford it
http://snipurl.com/TimesRichList_PB
*******************************************************
"I could be doing heroin. I really could!
Like, without cigarettes, I would be doing heroin,
probably." - Joel Madden, Good Charlotte
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 03.04.07 ISSUE 348
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
* Celebrity finger pointing
* Fighting talk in Helmand.
* Charts: Manic Street Preachers are number one
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Do you really want to hurt me? <<
Neighbours sigh at Boy George's pulling power
The escort who claims he was chained to a wall
by Boy George, after being picked up on gaydar,
is known at his gym near London Bridge Hospital
for hanging around the showers in near-
translucent white shorts, (showing off his
eight-and-a-half inch penis) and decamping to
a unused sun bed room if he gets lucky.
If George's New York neighbours are to be
believed, Carlsen is not the first escort he's
picked up for this purpose. One tells us that
George often brought young chaps back to his
apartment for a session with whips and chains.
The neighbour regularly resorted to banging on
the walls and shouting, "Can you just finish
him off quietly, for Christ's sake!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Ozzy Osbourne's current rider: fruit basket, hot
English tea, Canderel (but not any other sweetener).
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Finger pointing <<
Celebrities get nailed
A manicurist to the stars tells us about the
hands and feet of celebrities:
* Most disgusting pig-like star? Sienna Miller.
- fingernails "like a tramp", and athlete's foot.
* Most surprising defects? Liz Hurley
"appalling cracked heels".
* Most perfectly manicured? Nancy dell'Ollio
"Hands and feet so good she could do my nails".
-----------------------------------------------------
Helvetica, the typeface, is 50 years old this week.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which primetime BBC star, currently appearing
in two shows, likes to entertain friends at his
house parties by masturbating on his
breakfast bar?
This celebrity clothes-horse, actress and
magazine favourite has had so much botox
around her mouth that she has little holes
above her lips from the needles. She's been to
Spain this year for secret work to repair them.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lembit Opik performed a three-minute Harmonica solo
on stage with funk band Sketchbeat at a charity fund
-raiser in the Houses of Parliament last week.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Yeltsinomics <<
Russian premier makes joke
Following on from Boris Yeltsin's funeral,
our favourite story from a British journalist
who interviewed him:
Journalist: "So, President Yeltsin, how would
you describe the state of the Russian
economy in one word?"
Yeltsin: "Good".
Journalist: "Okay then Mr President, perhaps
you would describe it in more than one word?"
Yeltsin: "Ah, in that case - not good."
-----------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite brand manager, Camper shoes'
Phil McAveety.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Popbits <<
Football house-buying merry-go-round
* Alan Hanson lives in a white 12-bedroom mansion
by Royal Birkdale golf course. Mark Lawrenson
lives directly opposite.
* Louis Saha bought Ruud van Nistelrooy's old
house. He sold his old house to Kerry Katona.
* Oxford manager Jim Smith has a house next door
to Wrexham manager Dennis Smith. They are
not related.
-----------------------------------------------------
One of the largest advertising hoardings in
Khartoum features Craig David.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> It's no joke <<
Fighting talk in Helmand
O L...ord writes:
"I'm embedded with the British army in
Afghanistan. I was flying with an army chaplain
on a Chinook, and connected to the intercom,
so could hear and talk to the two pilots and
crewmen. The men started telling jokes, all
suited to the chaplain's appearance. At the
end of the trip one of the crewmen, Mark Scotland,
got bored and told this joke. Respect."
A little girl is crying at the edge of a
cliff. A man walks up to her and asks.
"Why are you crying?"
"My daddy was in a car and he just drove it
off the cliff," she sobs.
"There, there," says the man. "Where's mummy?"
"She was in the car, too", says the girl,
"There's no one left to look after me."
"Well", says the man, undoing his belt and
pulling down his trousers. "Looks like
it's not your lucky day".
-----------------------------------------------------
The day after their album was released, Artic Monkeys
were refused entry to London's Phoenix bar because
they looked too young and weren't members.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Chelsea mourning <<
Being a royal has its advantages
A posh blonde Daily Mail reporter is in trouble
with editor Paul Dacre this week as she was
sent to a party to find gossip on Prince
William, snapped him leaving with a girl,
but then decided she couldn't hand over
the photo to the paper in case she got the
cold-shoulder from her aristo Chelsea Set.
-----------------------------------------------------
Daily Mail proprietor Lord Jonathan Rothermere is
known by younger staff on the paper as J-Ro,
because of his attempts to look young and trendy.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> All that jazz <<
Elton escapes lynching
The Tobago Jazz Festival passed off without
Elton John getting beheaded, as homophobic
islanders were threatening. The loser on the
night turned out to be Diana Ross, whose set
was cut short by half by the over-running
of a local Soca artist. Backstage, she
appeared "distressed", and left quickly.
A local tells us all was not well.
"The price of a ticket alone was about
three times a family food budget. And by the
way, Port of Spain zoo has giant Brazilian
River Otters who tease each other, and their
keepers, by turning taps on and off and
squirting each other with water."
-----------------------------------------------------
American Spice news: Baby is advertising Prego pasta
sauce on TV; Posh annoyed shoppers at the Grove last
weekend for getting Abercrombie & Fitch closed for
a personal shopping spree. No-one does this in LA.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Beds of the rich and famous <<
Only fools and horses like car-beds
Nicholas Lyndhurst has a bed shaped like
a racing car. A carpenter in Surrey last
year won the brief to design a Red Ferrari
bed fashioned in Mahogany.
-----------------------------------------------------
Darius' younger brother, Aria, stops pedestrians
on Sauchiehall St, Glasgow for Oxfam.
(He was his school's cross-country champion, too).
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Girls: not wild about Joe <<
Sad pornographer gets comeuppance
Seedy Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis,
in jail on contempt charges, already made
himself unpopular with models and fashion
insiders in London last year. Used to taking
advantage of tipsy girls, Joe tried to chat up
some models at a party for the Gumball Rally
but ended up in a ruck with a celebrity make-up
artist. She thought she saw him put something in a
friend's drink so ushered some young models
away. Francis went ape****, followed the girls
outside and pinned the petite make-up artist
to the wall, screaming "Don't you know
who I am?" When she just laughed at him,
having no clue at the time who he was, he
started screaming that she'd "never work in
this town again". Luckily, she has.
-----------------------------------------------------
Ant, from Ant & Dec, was thrown out of Oh So Social
club, Brighton, last weekend for queue jumping.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Albums, football clubs, Joe Perry
It's almost Eurovision time. Here are two
fan favourites. Insipid boy-totty Greece and Belarus:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiwxsBPcubY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV2tAAqTzo0
Good-bye O.C. One of the band's they introduced,
Goldspot (covering Modest Mouse while Julie
Cooper was getting a tennis lesson) are preparing
to release their first album. Listen/watch:
http://go.popbit.ch/34
World's greatest album covers?
http://www.stevecarter.com/albumcovers.htm
Write a speech for Aussie PM John Howard:
http://www.SameSame.com.au/yesprimeminister
Joe Perry sells his own-recipe hot sauces -
Boneyard Brew and Mango-Peach Tango:
http://www.joeperrysrockyourworld.com/
US gossip guru Ted Casablanca is claiming
Laura Bush has moved out to the Hay-Adams
hotel because of her husband's boozing relapse:
http://www.eonline.com/gossip/awful/?uuid=7c0bfd7f-4525-428a-b0aa-0b8fe92ca139
Everything that is wrong with X Factor in
three-and-a-half minutes. Chasing Cars -
listen and weep:
http://www.myspace.com/shaunofficial
*******************************************************
It's Chateau Roux's 1st Birthday! And as with every
party, there are goody bags (worth �20), free with the
first 100 orders we receive online!
"Ceeeee-lebrate good times....." Ahem.
https://www.chateauroux.co.uk *******************************************************
>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 5th May
++ Number One
MANIC STREET PREACHERS Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
++ Top Twenty
GROOVE ARMADA Get Down
DADA Lollipop
++ Top Forty
AMY WINEHOUSE Back To Black
JAMIE T Sheila
HELLO GOODBYE Here
>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!
* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* Web hosting by: http://del.co.uk
* Mail by aysabtu
*****************************************************
Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, JB, DL, LT, bigdog,
plastiktom, LB, SW, CW, JH, S, HL, R, Z, DT, LW,
thatevilwoman, minkychunky, deep_stoat, party_b
jacques_as_in_hattie, AS,
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
Q: Did you hear about the angry fly on the toilet seat?
A: He got pissed off
Still Bored?
Want to own a football club?
http://www.myfootballclub.co.uk/
Morbyd
Moderator
My Holy Moly is like that now
Had to log on to read it. Popbitch still arrives more or less consistently.