swiss taff
New Member
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next-door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said, "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", and he said "You're
closest".
You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a- ROMATIC duck".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Q & A
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the
window!
'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next-door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said, "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", and he said "You're
closest".
You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a- ROMATIC duck".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Q & A
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the
window!
