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M

Mark Sun

Active Member
Speaking of thirst...

A man is lost in the desert and slowly dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of nowhere.
He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.

"I'm sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."

He crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.

"I'm sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."

The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.

"I'm sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."

"I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man.

"I know," says the third stallholder, "it's a trifle bazaar."
 
hehe...

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!

Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.

Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.

The barman nervously pours him a pint.

Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says, "What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there".

One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly, "Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath".
 
kes said:
hehe...

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!

Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.

Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.

The barman nervously pours him a pint.

Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says, "What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there".

One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly, "Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath".
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
kes said:
hehe...

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!

Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.

Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.

The barman nervously pours him a pint.

Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says, "What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there".

One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly, "Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath".
Click to expand...

See also similar joke with some sweets who won't mess with a Fisherman's Friend 'cos "he's menthol" ;)
 
See also:

Panda: I'll have two pints and a _________________________packet of crisps pleae

Bar man: Of course, but why the long paws?
 
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks for three whiskeys. The bartender looks down at the string and says, "Sorry, buddy - we're not allowed to serve drinks to strings in here."

The second string steps up to see what's the matter. "We're paying customers, and we demand three whiskeys!" he grumbles.

The bartender says, "Listen, fella - I'm just following the rules. No strings allowed in here."

The two strings sulk back to the table and tell the third string, who really gets angry. "I know how to handle this!" he growls as he begins to double over and tie himself into a messy tangle. Swaggering up to the bar with strands flailing in every direction, he shouts, "Bartender! I want three whiskeys, and I want them NOW!"

The bartender casts a suspicious look and asks, "Hey... Aren't you one of those strings that came in here earlier?"

The tangled-up little guy shrugs and states confidently, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
 
One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me
five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches
his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five
beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and
will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then
the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will
grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?"
 
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer . . . the barman says, “hey you’re a duck!”
“Nothing wrong with your eyesight, observes the duck.
“Yeah, but I mean . . . I’ve never seen a talking duck,” says the barman.
“Have you ever seen a duck drinking beer?”
“No!”
“You will as soon as you pour me one,” answers the duck.
The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, “So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?”
“Oh,” says the duck, “I work on the building site across the road.”
“We’ll be here for a couple of weeks, and I’ll likely be in every lunch hour,” the duck drinks his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
And, just as he said, each day, he waddles over from his job and has his lunchtime lager.
The next week, the circus comes to town. The circus owner wanders in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. “You should get this duck to join your circus,” he says. “Everyone would love to see a talking duck.”
The circus man nods in agreement, and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.
The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime, as usual.
The barman says to the duck, “You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you.”
“Really?” says the duck.
“Yeah, you could make a lot of money there. I can fix it for you easily.”
“Hang on,” said the duck. “You did say a circus, didn’t you?”
“That’s right.”
“That’s the one with the big canvas tents, isn’t it?”
“Of course,” replied the barman, “I can get you a job starting tomorrow.”
The circus owner’s crazy about the idea.”
The duck looked puzzled, “But why would he want to hire a plasterer?”
 
A man walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and sits himself down in a corner to enjoy.

About half way through he gets up to use the toilet. Whilst he's in there a stout black woman walks past, turns her backside towards the mans unguarded pint, trumps in it and proceeds to her table.

When the man returns from the toilet the barman calls him over and explains that the stout black lady had just trumped in his pint.

Annoyed, the man storms over to the stout black woman and demands "Excuse me.... you fart in my whitbread?"

"No" she replied "I'm Tessa Sanderson"
 
Buckley said:
See also:

Panda: I'll have two pints and a _________________________packet of crisps pleae

Bar man: Of course, but why the long paws?
Click to expand...

(I find "big" paws works better)

*can;t be arsed to write out joke with 10 JD's etc so I'll go straight to the punchline*

"No thank's mate, if 10 doesn't take the taste away, nothing will..."
 
Guy walks into a bar, says to the barman, "I'll bet you 10 quid I can bite my eye". Barman says, "you're on". Guy takes his glass eye out and bites it. Barman pays up.

The guy says "I'll bet you another tenner I can bite my other eye". Barman says, "well I know you aren't blind so you're on". Guy takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye. Barman pays up.

Guy says, "I'll bet you 20 quid I can piss on the bar from over at that door". barman says "thats totally impossible, you're on". Guy goes to the door and starts pissing...everywhere, on the tables, on the floor, on the stools...everywhere but not a drop on the bar. Barman wins and takes the 20 quid.

A bit later the barman says, what made you think you could piss on the bar from over there, that was always going to be impossible. Guy says "Oh, I never thought I could do it...but I bet 100 quid with that bloke over there that I could piss all over pub and have the barman clean it up with a smile on his face"...boom boom
 
Q: What does Snoop Dogg wash his whites with?

A: BLEEEEEEYOTCH!!!!!

:lol: :lol: Bad I know, too early for me to think of anything funny. Oh wait, here's one I got the other day that I liked:

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage this bird -
$50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and
sometimes it says some pretty lively stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam".

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad".

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls".

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot
had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Dave came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Dave".
 
Q: What does Snoop Dogg wash his whites with?

A: BLEEEEEEYOTCH!!!!!
Click to expand...

Hahahahaha, I haven't heard that one in a long time!!!! Still funny.

Okay, here's mine

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

/ducks out of the way
 
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