Emma_1983
Active Member
May have seen some of these before but still quite amusing....
Peter Kay One Liners
> >
> > 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> > 'Thyroid problem?'
> > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
> > to forgive me.
> > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> > swimming.
> > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
> > with my real ladder.
> > 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
> > French Toast during the Renaissance.
> > 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> > Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
> > one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
> > bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
> > sticks and stones all the way.
> > 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
> > he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> > 9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
> > have a good hand.
> > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
> > 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
> > meat?
> > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
> > the wrong answers.
> > 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
> > 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
> > they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> > 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> > 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
> > forgotten this before
> >
> >
> > PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> > pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> > 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> > 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
> > fire in your back garden.
> > 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> > 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> > 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> > 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
> > first given opportunity.
> > 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> > through and then raced against the flush.
> > 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> > 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> > 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> > 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> > 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
> > arm broken by a swan.
> > 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
> > specifically to stir paint with.
> > 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a
> > fruit salad.
> >
> >
> > SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> > 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> > 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
> > core of the earth?
> > 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> > 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> > 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> > stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> > 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> > 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> > 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> > centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> > 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> > crisp no one would eat?
> > 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> > 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
> > these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> > 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> > 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> > point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> > 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> > 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> > 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> > 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> > vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> > 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> > stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
> > paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Peter Kay One Liners
> >
> > 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> > 'Thyroid problem?'
> > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
> > to forgive me.
> > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> > swimming.
> > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
> > with my real ladder.
> > 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
> > French Toast during the Renaissance.
> > 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> > Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
> > one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
> > bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
> > sticks and stones all the way.
> > 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
> > he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> > 9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
> > have a good hand.
> > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
> > 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
> > meat?
> > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
> > the wrong answers.
> > 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
> > 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
> > they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> > 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> > 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
> > forgotten this before
> >
> >
> > PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> > pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> > 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> > 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
> > fire in your back garden.
> > 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> > 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> > 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> > 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
> > first given opportunity.
> > 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> > through and then raced against the flush.
> > 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> > 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> > 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> > 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> > 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
> > arm broken by a swan.
> > 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
> > specifically to stir paint with.
> > 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a
> > fruit salad.
> >
> >
> > SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> > 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> > 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
> > core of the earth?
> > 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> > 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> > 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> > stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> > 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> > 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> > 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> > centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> > 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> > crisp no one would eat?
> > 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> > 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
> > these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> > 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> > 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> > point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> > 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> > 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> > 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> > 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> > vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> > 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> > stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
> > paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
