Old Jokes Home
- Thread starter russ
- Start date
I got one my mate told me at work the other day.
He said .. "Hey Age, did you hear the terrorists are planting bombs in Alphabet Soup now?" and stupidly, I thought he was serious.
I go "Your kidding? How the **** do they do that?"
He goes "I don't know, but if one explodes it could spell disaster"
Get it? heheheh
He said .. "Hey Age, did you hear the terrorists are planting bombs in Alphabet Soup now?" and stupidly, I thought he was serious.
I go "Your kidding? How the **** do they do that?"
He goes "I don't know, but if one explodes it could spell disaster"
Get it? heheheh
coley
Active Member
I got one my mate told me at work the other day.
He said .. "Hey Age, did you hear the terrorists are planting bombs in Alphabet Soup now?" and stupidly, I thought he was serious.
I go "Your kidding? How the **** do they do that?"
He goes "I don't know, but if one explodes it could spell disaster"
Get it? heheheh
I like dat.....I like dat alot
Old Couple go to the Doctors to talk about their sex life.
Both get up on table in front of the Doctor and go at it for an Hour.
This happens for 3 weeks before Doctor finally asks them where they think the problem occurs.
Old Couple replies;
To be Honest DR, we are both married, so we cant meet up at either of our places. It costs us £60 to get a Hotel room. Here, we pay you £40 a visit and then claim £50 back off our health Insurance!
Both get up on table in front of the Doctor and go at it for an Hour.
This happens for 3 weeks before Doctor finally asks them where they think the problem occurs.
Old Couple replies;
To be Honest DR, we are both married, so we cant meet up at either of our places. It costs us £60 to get a Hotel room. Here, we pay you £40 a visit and then claim £50 back off our health Insurance!
a blonde walks into a bar. .. ouch ..
Heres one.
Old women walks into an optemetrist. He puts the goggles on her and asks her to read the chart.
"X L Q P" .. The doctors looking and what she's reading is all wrong. .. He changes the lense in the goggles and asks her to read again.
Again, she gets them all wrong.
He does this a number of time until he's used every template for every lens he has. .. He can't work it out.
He stands infront of the letters and drops his pants.
"Can you see that maam?" he asks.
"Oh I most certainly can. Thats your dicky bird"
"Well maam, your cock eyed"
(Get it)
Heres one.
Old women walks into an optemetrist. He puts the goggles on her and asks her to read the chart.
"X L Q P" .. The doctors looking and what she's reading is all wrong. .. He changes the lense in the goggles and asks her to read again.
Again, she gets them all wrong.
He does this a number of time until he's used every template for every lens he has. .. He can't work it out.
He stands infront of the letters and drops his pants.
"Can you see that maam?" he asks.
"Oh I most certainly can. Thats your dicky bird"
"Well maam, your cock eyed"
(Get it)
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
..........you're a vet.
and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
..........you're a vet.
The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said:
'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh**.'
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said:
'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh**.'
Morbyd
Moderator
Here's a joke I heard today, just for you Jammy
The changing media landscape, a desire to communicate directly with supporters, and the potential for additional revenue streams have encouraged major European football clubs to start their own in-house television stations.
Real Madrid has RMTV, Manchester United has MUTV, Chelsea has Chelsea TV.
And Liverpool has the History Channel.
The changing media landscape, a desire to communicate directly with supporters, and the potential for additional revenue streams have encouraged major European football clubs to start their own in-house television stations.
Real Madrid has RMTV, Manchester United has MUTV, Chelsea has Chelsea TV.
And Liverpool has the History Channel.
Here's a joke I heard today, just for you Jammy
The changing media landscape, a desire to communicate directly with supporters, and the potential for additional revenue streams have encouraged major European football clubs to start their own in-house television stations.
Real Madrid has RMTV, Manchester United has MUTV, Chelsea has Chelsea TV.
And Liverpool has the History Channel.
Indeed, Liverpool would be the one in that list with the most impressive history.
Right up to 2005 when we won the Champions League after knocking out Chelski.
matt collins
Active Member
Real Madrid has RMTV, Manchester United has MUTV, Chelsea has Chelsea TV.
And Liverpool has the History Channel.
Morbyd
Moderator
Ah, yes. I remember. I was there for the home leg.
Maybe Liverpool could repeat that feat this year when they inevitably draw Chelsea in the knockout stages again.
Oh.... hold on... wait a sec...
matt collins
Active Member
Better history than Real??? My knowledge of other teams is pretty limited, but I think they may have the edge on you a little....
kimajy
Well-Known Member
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.