Old Jokes Home
- Thread starter Buckley
- Start date
madwhitegiant
New Member
Three parrots in a cage. One on the top perch, one on the middle and one on the bottom.
Which parrot owns the cage???
The one on the bottom, as the other two are on higher perches!
Which parrot owns the cage???
The one on the bottom, as the other two are on higher perches!
Philly Cent
New Member
2 Old Ladies walking down the Road are confronted by a Flasher!
1 had a Stroke, the other couldn't reach!!
Lame i know, but you guys started it!!
1 had a Stroke, the other couldn't reach!!
Lame i know, but you guys started it!!
Three parrots in a cage. One on the top perch, one on the middle and one on the bottom.
Which parrot owns the cage???
The one on the bottom, as the other two are on higher perches!
Two polo mints are in a bar and a fisherman's friend walks in, glaring at them both.
One polo says to the other
"Leave it mate, don't mess with him he's f***ing menthol
madwhitegiant
New Member
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle.'
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Geordie said 'Just the one, Marra.'
The manager groaned and continued 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
'£124,237.64' replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin'
fishing and he said doon at the coast,
So I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?'
'Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing.'
Buckley
Well-Known Member
A quick-witted boy (who grew up to be a salesman) worked in a supermarket produce section. One day a man came asked to buy a half a head of lettuce. The boy said that they only sold whole heads but the man insisted. The boy said that he would ask his manager. He walked into the back room and said,
"There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him. So he added,
"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called the boy in and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
"There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him. So he added,
"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called the boy in and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Two bits of black tarmac are in a bar and a green piece walks in glaring at them both.
One black tarmac says to the other
''Leave it mate, don't mess with him he's a f***ing cycle path''
How do you make a gay man F**k a women?
**** in her C**t
Bad girl
An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.
"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."
The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.
"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."
The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.
"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
In a little village deep the west of Wales the local priest was becoming very disturbed about the rumours circulating amongst his flock about recent sightings of ghosts. He reported his concerns to his bishop and in turn the bishop decided to call upon the services of a fire and brimstone priest from Cardiff.
The priest duly turns up in the village, a fierce and frightening looking man who poked around the village and the church for a few hours. Shortly after he stormed up to the village elder and demanded that he gather the flock in the church in 30 minutes. The villagers filed slowly in as the priest stared at them malevolently from the pulpit.
The church was filled, not a sound could be heard. The priest stared around the congregation fixing each one of them with a steely eye. He slammed his fist down on the pulpit and everyone jumped.
He shouted down “The devil himself is stoking a special fire in hell for those of us who spread blasphemy and devil-worship, and for those who claim to have seen otherworldly spirits”
The priest continued to yell “ The Bishop tells me that some of you in this village claim to have seen a ghost, well have you, HAVE YOU??”
“Hands up anyone here in this church who has seen a ghost?” No one moved.
“and hands up anyone here in this church who has heard a ghost?” No one moved.
“Okay” the priest said “hands up anyone here in this church who has had sex with a ghost?”
A gnarley old farmer at the back of the church slowly lifted his arm.
The priest fixed him with an evil stare. The whole congregation turned and looked
“WHAT? YOU, YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH A GHOST?” he yelled from the pulpit.
The farmer quickly dropped his arm. “oh sorry Father, I thought you said goat”
The priest duly turns up in the village, a fierce and frightening looking man who poked around the village and the church for a few hours. Shortly after he stormed up to the village elder and demanded that he gather the flock in the church in 30 minutes. The villagers filed slowly in as the priest stared at them malevolently from the pulpit.
The church was filled, not a sound could be heard. The priest stared around the congregation fixing each one of them with a steely eye. He slammed his fist down on the pulpit and everyone jumped.
He shouted down “The devil himself is stoking a special fire in hell for those of us who spread blasphemy and devil-worship, and for those who claim to have seen otherworldly spirits”
The priest continued to yell “ The Bishop tells me that some of you in this village claim to have seen a ghost, well have you, HAVE YOU??”
“Hands up anyone here in this church who has seen a ghost?” No one moved.
“and hands up anyone here in this church who has heard a ghost?” No one moved.
“Okay” the priest said “hands up anyone here in this church who has had sex with a ghost?”
A gnarley old farmer at the back of the church slowly lifted his arm.
The priest fixed him with an evil stare. The whole congregation turned and looked
“WHAT? YOU, YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH A GHOST?” he yelled from the pulpit.
The farmer quickly dropped his arm. “oh sorry Father, I thought you said goat”
A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
Farmer-
"Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
Vet-
" Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.
Farmer-
" No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"
Vet-
" Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."
Farmer-
" How will I know they're pregnant?"
Vet-
" If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."
So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night.
The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired.
Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever.
This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
Farmer-
" What are the pigs doing dear?"
Wife-
" I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is in the front blowing the horn."
Farmer-
"Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
Vet-
" Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.
Farmer-
" No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"
Vet-
" Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."
Farmer-
" How will I know they're pregnant?"
Vet-
" If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."
So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night.
The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired.
Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever.
This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
Farmer-
" What are the pigs doing dear?"
Wife-
" I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is in the front blowing the horn."
madwhitegiant
New Member
Colin's workmates were fed up that he kept name dropping about all the famous people he knew so his Boss said:"OK Colin if you really know all these people please introduce to one.Colin replied "Fine who would you like to meet?""Well I really would like to meet Michael Owen."Colin said "That's easy, I'll phone him".Shortly after they set off to Newcastle and played a game of pool withMichael.The Boss said "OK Colin I admit you knew him but what about Brad Pitt."They jumped on a plane and flew to Hollywood where Brad was thrilled to seeColin and asked if he and his friend could stay for a day or two.The Boss was still sceptical and said "I bet you don't know George W Bush!""What my old mate George? Let's drop in."They flew to Washington and the White House where a security guard asked fortheir names. As soon as George W heard it was Colin they were admitted andinvited for dinner. The Boss now believed Colin and asked whether Colincould possible introduce him to the Pope as he had long admired him.They flew to Italy and got to St. Peter's Square where it was crowded.Colin said to his Boss "Wait here while I sort it out. The Boss waited andafter a while Colin returned to find Boss just coming round from a faint."Whatever happened to you?" asked Colin"Well I was OK then some bloke pointed up and said who’s that little fella up there with Colin???
Hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat ?
Husband asks wife ''Why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm''
She replies ''What, like I should phone you?''
Door to door salesman knocks on door which is answered by a nine year old kid with a glass of champagne in one hand, smoking a cigar and his arm around a scantily dressed 14 year old.
''Excuse me young man, is your mother home?'' asks the surprised salesman.
''Does it f**cking look like it !'' the kid replies
Husband asks wife ''Why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm''
She replies ''What, like I should phone you?''
Door to door salesman knocks on door which is answered by a nine year old kid with a glass of champagne in one hand, smoking a cigar and his arm around a scantily dressed 14 year old.
''Excuse me young man, is your mother home?'' asks the surprised salesman.
''Does it f**cking look like it !'' the kid replies
Morbyd
Moderator
There was once a couple, married for 20 years. The husband always insisted that they have sex with the lights out. The wife had always been suspicious of his insistence on totla darkness, but humored him. However, on evening, she decided she'd had enough.
As they were getting down and dirty, she reaches over and flips on the light, only to reveal a shocking discovery. Her husband had some inflatable apparatus that he'd been using to pleasure her, apparently due to some sort of penile dysfunction.
She cried out, "What's that?!"
To which he replied, "OK, you caught me. I'll explain this, if you explain the kids."
As they were getting down and dirty, she reaches over and flips on the light, only to reveal a shocking discovery. Her husband had some inflatable apparatus that he'd been using to pleasure her, apparently due to some sort of penile dysfunction.
She cried out, "What's that?!"
To which he replied, "OK, you caught me. I'll explain this, if you explain the kids."
A crusty is taking a dump at Glastonbury into the long drop cesspit toilet.
The door has fell off, so he asks his mate to stand guard.
As he is pulling his trousers up 50p falls out of his pocket and drops down the hole.
Immeidiatley the hippy looks down the pit then takes a £5 note and throws it down there too.
His mate looks at him in astonishment ''Wow dude, why did you do that for man!'
''Brother, if you think I'm climbing down there just for 50p you must be tripping....''
The door has fell off, so he asks his mate to stand guard.
As he is pulling his trousers up 50p falls out of his pocket and drops down the hole.
Immeidiatley the hippy looks down the pit then takes a £5 note and throws it down there too.
His mate looks at him in astonishment ''Wow dude, why did you do that for man!'
''Brother, if you think I'm climbing down there just for 50p you must be tripping....''