This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be.
As Beth told the story...
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a
while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine
cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I
mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your
hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the
frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so
maybe I can figure out how this works.
You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm
guessing).
I go one better:
I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh.
I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in
the world, but it wasn't bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming
one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom
for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right
side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek.
(Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.
Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again.
I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much
agony.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
I touch.
I feel.
I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar
Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something.
So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what
I should do next.
Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in
- the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.
In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, Celia, because she once dropped out of beauty school
so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.
It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and virgina are
stuck to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick.
She does her best to suppress laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking
cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night.
She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a
good cover story for where the wax actually is.
"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and
somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them
on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them
the truth."
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies
than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and
THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the
lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start
screaming
"It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from Celia
and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
hair is still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
As Beth told the story...
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a
while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine
cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I
mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your
hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the
frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so
maybe I can figure out how this works.
You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm
guessing).
I go one better:
I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh.
I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in
the world, but it wasn't bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming
one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom
for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right
side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek.
(Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.
Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again.
I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much
agony.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
I touch.
I feel.
I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar
Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something.
So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what
I should do next.
Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in
- the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.
In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, Celia, because she once dropped out of beauty school
so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.
It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and virgina are
stuck to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick.
She does her best to suppress laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking
cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night.
She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a
good cover story for where the wax actually is.
"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and
somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them
on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them
the truth."
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies
than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and
THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the
lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start
screaming
"It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from Celia
and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
hair is still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
