joke of the day

W

weloveliam@space

Active Member
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.


After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.


The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind
what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.." After school,
Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom
says, "No." He asks "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue."
 
Buckley said:
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind
what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.." After school,
Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom
says, "No." He asks "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue."
Click to expand...

:lol: x 10
 
Einstein's Theory...

Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to
Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even
stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as ...............................



















.
.
.
.
.
.
Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
 
A husband to his wife when he´s comin home from work, she is leavin the house in that moment:

"Where R U goin?"

She: "I´ll go to the gym"

He: "What for?"

She: "We R doin exercises for waist, legs and bottom.... "

He: "???? You have enough of that.... why don´t U do "Titts"? "
 
Sir Paul & Heather Mills-McCartney - Reflections on settlement

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
********************************************************
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she needs all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"
*********************************************************
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
****************************************************>
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long" she said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but it was just a stocking-filler.
***************************************************************
A gold miner in Africa had an accident and lost a leg. He said to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replied, "Try Paul McCartney"
************************************************
Finally new song lyrics by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
*******************************************************
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now Heather has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
**************************************************
I saw Heather at the bus stop the other day, I said "how are you getting on ?"
 
A guy walks into a bar one Saturady afternoon for a quite drink and a bit of 'me time'.

As he enters, he is pleasently surprised to find that there is a piano player, knocking out some jazzy classics accompanied by a rather stylishly dressed small dancing monkey.

The guys takes a seat at the bar, orders a pint and starts to read his papers, listening to the swing and jazz numbers that the pianist is playing.

The man gets his pint from the barman, takes a sip and lets it rest again on the counter only to notice that the dancing monkey is making his way towards him. The monkey dances over to the pint, pulls down his novelty pants and takes a piss in it.

The man, completely shocked by this, ignores the monkey's actions and orders another pint from the bar.

Again, he takes a sip and lets it rest on the counter, only to notice that the monkey had boogied his way over and had another piss in his pint. Even more shocked than the first time, he again tries to ignore the money's actions and orders himself another pint.

For a third time, he takes a sip and lets the pint rest on the counter. He can't believe his eyes when the monkey again begins to dance over to the pint, pulls down his pants and pisses in it.

Completely out raged and angrier than he has ever been... the man storms over to the piano player, slams his paper down on the piano and yells "Do you know your monkey is pissing in my pint!?!"

The piano player stops playing, looks up at him and says "calm down mate, I'm not sure, but if you hum the tune I'll try and play it for you."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
And here's the funnier version.....


An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances'"
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.

'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,

'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little less "lively".'

'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice f*cking jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote the c*nt!!!'
 
Buckley said:
And here's the funnier version.....


An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances'"
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.

'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,

'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little less "lively".'

'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice f*cking jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote the c*nt!!!'
Click to expand...

Yea my versionsblows compared to this... the guys in work thought i was wierd coz i was pissing myself the whole way through it.

J
 
A man went into a tattoo parlour and asked to have a fifty pound note tattooed on his dick.

The tattoo artist said, "I’ve had some strange requests, but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your ***** with a picture of a banknote?"

The man replied. "There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all -- the next time my wife wants to blow fifty quid, she won’t have to leave the house!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top