The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t f***ing think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Every time Chuck Norris flexes, someone dies.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs.
When the director said he can’t, he replied, “Of course
I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in
the face.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats
all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the
force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s
hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave
them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so
much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into
artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he
pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby
will blow up upon impact.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds
because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so
hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will
simply stare at you grimly.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the
extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the
entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper
in it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space
you know who would win? Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poops them out transformed into a robot
Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every
tree in existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach
messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck
Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive
with his roundhouse kicks
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which
he replied ‘I am a club’ and everyone partied on him…
Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt
his beer.
Chuck Norris is the real Slim Shady, but he lets Eminem claim the name to shake off his archenemy, Jesusbot 2000
Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris survived 9 years in a POW camp. That was nothing compared only 5 minutes, 3 times a week on the Total Home Gym.
Chuck Norris is so powerful, it is believed that he can karate kick the AIDS out of Africa. The only reason that this has not occured is because Chuck Norris can not and will not bow down to the man, nor does he want overpopulation to occur.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
Chuck Norris only wears pants, because if he wore shorts his 32 inch penis would drag across the floor.
Chuck Norris is so gifted in baseball that everytime he hits a homerun everyone watching becomes pregnant. Hence the reason he doesn't play in the major leagues.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.
When Chuck Norris was six, he spit off a bridge over an interstate and caused a 89 car pile up. He has a picture of it on his mantel.
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
The sound of an F15 fighter jet was taken directly from the sound of Chuck Norris taking a shit.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick years ago was the tool used by the state of Texas to execute people. George W had to quit the use of it because it was too awesome of a way to be executed. It was so awesome that the murder rate spiked for a few years because people just wanted the chance to be roundhoused by Chuck. Chuck was enraged by W's decision so much that he roundhouse kicked his mother Barbara to death. The Barbara we see today is actually an android.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t f***ing think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Every time Chuck Norris flexes, someone dies.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs.
When the director said he can’t, he replied, “Of course
I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in
the face.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats
all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the
force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s
hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave
them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so
much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into
artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he
pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby
will blow up upon impact.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds
because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so
hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will
simply stare at you grimly.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the
extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the
entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper
in it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space
you know who would win? Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poops them out transformed into a robot
Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every
tree in existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach
messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck
Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive
with his roundhouse kicks
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which
he replied ‘I am a club’ and everyone partied on him…
Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt
his beer.
Chuck Norris is the real Slim Shady, but he lets Eminem claim the name to shake off his archenemy, Jesusbot 2000
Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris survived 9 years in a POW camp. That was nothing compared only 5 minutes, 3 times a week on the Total Home Gym.
Chuck Norris is so powerful, it is believed that he can karate kick the AIDS out of Africa. The only reason that this has not occured is because Chuck Norris can not and will not bow down to the man, nor does he want overpopulation to occur.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
Chuck Norris only wears pants, because if he wore shorts his 32 inch penis would drag across the floor.
Chuck Norris is so gifted in baseball that everytime he hits a homerun everyone watching becomes pregnant. Hence the reason he doesn't play in the major leagues.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.
When Chuck Norris was six, he spit off a bridge over an interstate and caused a 89 car pile up. He has a picture of it on his mantel.
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
The sound of an F15 fighter jet was taken directly from the sound of Chuck Norris taking a shit.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick years ago was the tool used by the state of Texas to execute people. George W had to quit the use of it because it was too awesome of a way to be executed. It was so awesome that the murder rate spiked for a few years because people just wanted the chance to be roundhoused by Chuck. Chuck was enraged by W's decision so much that he roundhouse kicked his mother Barbara to death. The Barbara we see today is actually an android.