Friday Funny....


Active Member
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

PC ?
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

I hope the policeman had a right laugh at it as well, very witty, I especially love the acne and moustache line :)
Not a funny but still amuses me......

Dear Mr Buckley

Incident: Frith Lane (bittacy Hill End, Nr Bridge) - Pothole
Date: 25 February 2010

We would refer to your email dated 8 April in respect of the above occurrence, and apologise for the delay in doing so.

The Council deals with all matters of this nature strictly on the basis of legal liability and pending investigation, liability is not admitted.

Whilst you have provided a description of where the defect is located, and close up photographs, we also need a long shot photograph detailing the alleged defect showing the nature of the surroundings even if a repair has been carried out in order to establish the exact location and defect in this matter. Please mark with an “X” on the photographs showing the alleged defect and an arrow to show the direction of travel.

Please confirm which tyre of your vehicle sustained damage as a result of this incident, also the age/mileage of said tyre.

Once we receive your response we will be able to commence our investigation.

Yours sincerely

Ms. Weyman,

Please confirm that you are going to waste my time trying to deny liability for damage entirely and unarguably sustained due to xxxx neglience.

I have worked in the Highways and utilities industries for the last 15 years. I am fully aware of my rights and your responsibilites. As we are both aware you are unequivocably liable, please accept this mail as notifcation of my intention to charge at my normal daily rate, £xxx per day or part thereof, for any further dealings with this matter. If you make me resort to Freedom of Information requests with regard to your maintenance schedules, I will be particularly thorough in my investigations.

Should you do anything other than accept liability and pay my claim in full I will also contact the local press to document your shocking contempt for xxxx residents.


Dear Mr Buckley

Incident: Frith Lane - Pothole
Date: 25 February 2010

We refer to the above claim and your recent email's, and can advise that our investigations into the above location have been completed and can only apologise for the time it has taken in doing so. As previously advised the council deals with matters of this nature strictly on the basis of legal liability.

Having considered the circumstances we are prepared to contribute towards the cost of repair to your tyre and re-alignment. It is noted that whilst the tyre has been replaced, you are yet to have the re-alignment work carried out. We agree the cost of £202.00 as detailed in the Northway Tyres quotation dated 2 March 2010. Once these works have been carried out to your satisfaction you need to settle the account and forward the receipted invoice on to us.

Once we are in receipt of the requested information we will send you a form of acceptance, which you will need to arrange for a friend, neighbour or relative to witness your signature and return to the Insurance Section, whereupon a cheque in full and final settlement of this matter will be requested.

Yours sincerely

How many people do they get away with fobbing, especially with no budget left these days?