Dilema

J

jjinit

New Member
:cry::cry:basically, there is no nice way to put this, I am having a personal nightmare and have no idea what to do for the best so am looking for some good honest advice. My dear mother is very very ill (cancer). She was having treatment but got the call last saturday night from my brother, basically it has spread and she had been put into a HDU and been given 24-48hrs max. I shot up to Manchester and spent all sat night at the hospital. Sunday morning she rallied a bit and was out of immediate danger, however the situation is academic, there is no hope, it could happen today, it could happen next week but it is going to happen. This is the dilema. On Monday, i had to drive back to London as my wife (8 mths pregnant) had to be back for some appointments. My father, said that he wanted me to take her home and did not want me to come back as there was nothing I could do for my mum, he didnt want me to see my mum in that state anymore and it seemed he just wanted to be with her alone. So I came back down and have returned to work, obvously remaining in close contact with both my dad and my brother Now, my mum (to the drs amazement) is still with us (actually shes so doped up on morphine shes asleep). Now Im torn whether to defy my dad and go back up at weekend or stay put. I mean I could take compassionate leave and go up there, wait for the inevitable and stay till the funeral, but it could be days or weeks. I know my mum would be mortified if she knew i had seen her as I saw her on monday when I said my goodbyes, but I feel I still owe her and should be with her, my brother says I should stay where I am and be with my wife, as does my dad, but I cant help but feel I have abandoned them when they need me most??
Its really tearing me up :cry:
 
I cant imagine what you are going through - you are torn between the two people who mean the most to you.

Your parents, quite rightly want you to be with your wife and child to be, but I cam imagine the guilt you are going through by not being with your family when they need you too.

My thoughts are that you are best staying with your wife...

I went through something similar with my grandfather - when he was dying I had to make the decision to tell my mum and dad (they live in Cyprus) that they may need to come over as the doctor told me it was days rather than weeks that my grandfather had..... i got my parents over - my grandfather hung on another 3 months - my mum and dad kept flying over ever time it looked like he was fading - he never did - he was in a "morphine coma" (a bit like your mum is now) and he just went on for so much longer than we anticipated....

I felt so bad dragging my mum and dad back over so many times (he didnt even know they were with him)

I think your family are going to need you after more than during the illness to be honest

My thoughts are with you and i am sending you a virtual hug...
 
soz to hear JJ. cancer is a right bastard.

Was it your dads wish for you not to see her? or was it your mum's?

Seeing someone in that state is never easy, i saw my old man 6 months before he went, and it was not nice sitting there with someone who just knew he was gonna go any day soon.

Can your missus be on her own (or at least is there someone who can be there for her if you decide to goto Manc?)

if you strongly want to see your mum and be there, then go. even if theres fallout between you and your old man, at least you 2 can sort that **** out when the time is right.

good luck mate.
 
it was my dad who said that he didnt want me to see her in that state anymore. And I know my mum, who is proud, vain & has a lot of dignity wouldnt want me to see her like that. I mean I wasnt even supposed to know she had a wig, she would have been mortified.
 
jjinit said:
it was my dad who said that he didnt want me to see her in that state anymore. And I know my mum, who is proud, vain & has a lot of dignity wouldnt want me to see her like that. I mean I wasnt even supposed to know she had a wig, she would have been mortified.
Click to expand...

is she fit enough to talk on phone? have you said everything you wanna say to her?
 
no, shes completely out of it, the last conversation I had face to face was the saturday before last when I visited her, then I also spoke to her on the follwing wednesday, it was last saturday morning it all started to go pete tong. and although I was speaking to her and holding her hand last weekend Im not sure she knew I was there. So I have said goodbye, but she couldnt hear me. The last thing i said to her in conversation was that I was very proud of her, I loved her and I believed the chemo would make her well enough to see her grandchild in a few months. :cry:
 
Be strong man, whilst yr pop might have said that, not so sure he really means it, he's trying to save you, in his eyes, unnecessary grief!! I would go up there, fleeting visit unannounced, he's not going to turn you away!!
 
Sorry to hear about your situation, I cant imagine how it must feel for you and am not even going to try and say things to make it better :cry:

I think if it was me personally I would want to be there - no matter what my mum would have thought about it all. I just dont think I could live with not being there, no matter how hard it was. And I think your partner would probably understand.

But only you can know what to do :cry:
 
A manly hug to you JJ, ah f**k it, at a time like this, have a big cuddle.

On the information given you should follow your parents wishes, particularly as these are aligned. Your Dad will still be here and know you didn't. Notwithstanding that if you know what your Mum wishes you to do, you must do it for her, despite how hard it is for you.

That's on the information given mate, but only you know your relationship with those you love. Do what you think is right and try not to over-analyse after.
 
I'm not sure that I can add anything, apart from to say that although we've never met, I'm really genuinely sad to hear what you are going through.

if you have said your goodbyes then as others have said, probably best to let your Dad spend the time alone with her. If not, clear it with him before you go up there.

After all, you will both need each other in the coming weeks/months.

Jam
 
Thoughts are with you fella. I would respect your fathers wishes and as Buckley says resist the sometimes often after thoughts of analyzing too much...

Once again sorry to hear of your plight:(:(:(
 
Hey JJ. Double ditto on Buckley's manly hug and Chewie's colorful characterization of cancer.

The logical thing to do in this situation (and you know how I love logic) would be to accept the wishes of your father and stay at home.

..... but if it were me, I'd saw screw logic and go back up there.
 
Cheers guys, for your kind thoughts etc and Buckley & Jonny for the many hug, which I gladly accept (no tongues though).

i have a lot of food for thought and need to decide what to do. Whatever course I take, I feel happier with whatever decision I make.

Again, I thank you :)
 
Sorry to hear that your mum is so ill :(

I think the fact you are asking us for advice means that you are not 100% happy with being away from your mum at a time like this. Obviously you're trying to follow your dad's wishes, but for your own wishes, you probably subconsciously want to be with your mum.
I'd say do what your instincts say. If you want to be with your mum until the very end, whenever that may be, then do it. You dont want to have any regrets in a situation like this. I'm sure your wife will totally understand, and if Junior wants to make an early entrance then you're only 3hrs away on a train aren't you. Plus even though your Dad says he doesn't want you there, he will probably need support at a time like this.

Personally I would say go back up there. Just for your own piece of mind.
 
This is the only time i'll say such a thing, but listen to what your heart tells you.


If I was in the same situation as you have described, I would go, no question.
 
Firstly JJ my thoughts are with you all.I went through the same thing a few years ago...my dad was dying in a hospice and I didn't go as much as I should have done.....all my own fault I just didn't like the place and was young and couldn't stand to see him in such pain...... I was however there the day he died and i'm thankful for that. All i'd say is that I wish i'd of visited him more when I had the chance.Take care x
 
i am so sorry to hear of your plight. whatever you choose, just know that your family is in this stranger's thoughts and prayers.
 
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